confused (Ian)

[Arden Patricks]

I lie on my back in the forest with my arms crossed over my chest, staring up at the trees. I think I may actually be starting to dislike the forest after everything that's happened in here lately, but it's still the most reliable quiet spot that I know of. Best place to think.
Not that I have anything new to think.
What the hell is happening to me? Unforgiveable curses? Forgiving murderers? What next?
I sigh deeply, glaring up at the unhelpful trees. Stupid trees.
And I don't know who to talk to about this because most of my frinds wouldn't understand... 'oh, Andra, I just crucioed someone and need your advice.' She'd back away from me.
"Dammit," I mutter at the trees. "I'm just going to have to start talking to myself now, aren't I?"

[Ian Hunt]

"Unless you'd rather talk at someone," I reply, watching her from where I'm leaning against a tree in the same clearing, "It's the least I could do to let you talk at me, if you want."

[Arden Patricks]

I jump about a foot, sitting up and reaching for my wand before I realize I recognize the voice and there's nothing unfriendly about it.
"Don't do that," I mutter, relaxing visibly and letting go of my wand, not sure what it is that he could have done differently. Then I eye him cautiously, not sure if it's a good thing or not that he's here, and flooded with guilt all over again.

[Ian Hunt]

I laugh softly, not sure why I find it amusing, "Sorry."
It's not hard to pick up on the unease of her stare, and I sit down slowly across the clearing from her, showing her I was unarmed. It seemed to be a standard rnecessity when talking to someone I knew, showing them I was unarmed.

[Arden Patricks]

"No problem," I mutter, shaking my head. "I'm too jumpy and didn't think there was anyone else near here, that's all." Well, that and I think I betrayed you. Exactly what constitutes betrayal? Telling someone that you're fully on their side, then changing your mind a day later? Is that betrayal?
"So... how've you been?" I ask somewhat awkwardly.

[Ian Hunt]

"Can't complain," I lie pointlessly, "And yourself?"

[Arden Patricks]

"Same," I say with a slight ironic laugh. Not to you anyway. I pause, trying to think of something else to say, but the only thing that comes to mind is, 'So how have you really been?' and I'm not sure I've got the right to ask.

[Ian Hunt]

I raise an eyebrow but don't say anything, just lean back against the tree.
If you're going to lie to her she has every right to lie right back.

[Arden Patricks]

Great, I mutter in my head. Now I can't even talk to myself because he's here.
I sigh slightly. "So how have you really been?" I ask. "We can swap." Even though I won't be telling you everything that's bothering me. Not that it's likely you will either.

[Ian Hunt]

I pause for a moment, absently peeling bark of a twig on the floor next to me, wording the answer without it sounding too harsh or flippant.
"Really been, right...considering giving up my sons for adoption...trying to work out if it'd be the lesser of two evils..." I shrug, "Your turn."

[Arden Patricks]

I wince slightly. Yeah, like I'm really going to start bitching to him now, when my only real problem is that I can't make up my mind about anything.
"Not quite yet it isn't," I mutter. "Unless you don't want to talk about it. But... maybe I can help?" I shrug uncertainly.

[Ian Hunt]

"You can try if you want, but there's not much you can do," I shrug, watching the now bark-less twig in my hands and wondering how it got that way for a moment before flicking it aside and picking up a leaf to dismember, "So, your turn."

[Arden Patricks]

I sigh slightly but decide to give it up, at least for now, and I watch him tearing about a leaf for a moment, the image causing a memory to flicker in the back of my mind.... but just who or what I'm reminded of decides to be elusive.
"It's... nothing. Stupid," I mutter after a moment, shaking my head. "I'm just being stupid. It... it's just... I feel like I'm being pulled in half," I say, the words tumbling out now, still slightly hesitant but wanting to be heard. "Like a game of tug of war. 'Cause every single argument has got a counterargument. 'You're pathetic, no you're not.' 'He is evil, no he's not.' And I'm just being stupid.... Maybe everyone is like that. But how in the fuck do you go from 'I would let you die' to 'I can't let you hurt yourself'... and every single time it's exactly what you wanted and exactly what you mean?"
I stop, feeling stupid but strangely relieved. I shrug and look down at the ground, hugging my knees to my chest.

[Ian Hunt]

"Because you don't know what you want," I shrug, ripping the flesh of the leaf away until it's just the spine left, then tearing that into smaller bits, "I don't suppose anyone really does. Just sounds a bit extreme for you at the moment? The whole 'let you die' thing. Assuming this is Logan we're talking about?"

[Arden Patricks]

I nod, keeping my eyes on the ground. "I fucking tortured him," I mutter, mostly to myself. "What the fuck kind of person does that? I meant every word I said, everything I did. It's like tugging on the rope, and then the other side tugs back. I know exactly what I want at any given moment... but change my mind every five." I shrug, shaking my head.

[Ian Hunt]

"You tortured him?" A ghost of a grin flickers across my face and my attempt to stop myself doesn't quite work, so I just nod, "Good."
"It'll come clear eventually, I think, maybe. Well, it's a possibility that it will at least."

[Arden Patricks]

I close my eyes and nod, feeling a pang of guilt. "Yeah, hopefully. I just... I had no idea I could cause that much pain. And I don't think I wanted to forgive him but I did it anyway, and I don't know which side is right." I shrug, staring at the ground again.

[Ian Hunt]

"I'm not exactly an impartial judge at the moment," I mutter, tearing into another leaf more vicsiously than the last. Before, maybe I could have tried to pretend it wasn't Logan and was someone else, now all I could think about was how he deserved it.
"Don't feel guilty, maybe a taste of his own medicine will wake him up a bit," I mumble.

[Arden Patricks]

I nod again, guilt still stabbing painfully. "He was acting kind of funny," I say slowly, frowning at the ground. "And it's really quite surprising that he didn't hex me first, when I told him I'd sit back and let him die. He kept telling me to hex him, said he wanted me to kill him...." I look up suddenly, realizing that Ian of all people likely doesn't want to hear this, especially the part about passing up a chance to kill Logan.

[Ian Hunt]

A short strangled laugh that sounds very unlike my own sounds in my throat, taking me by surprise.
"I doubt many people would have passed up the chance."

[Arden Patricks]

I nod again, interlacing my fingers over and over again. "I shouldn't have. I... I should have done something, something more. I just... couldn't hurt him." I shrug, keeping my fingers still now and examining them closely.

[Ian Hunt]

"It's fine, some people don't have it them," I say bluntly.
After I've said it, I realise how it might have been offensive, then decide I'm too pissed off to care and anyone who passed up the chance to kill Logan deserves it.

[Arden Patricks]

I nod, feeling strangely hurt by that and examining my interlaced hands again.
You really are pathetic.
And now my hand clenches around my wand again as shame triggers anger, and I suddenly have to summon a great deal of self-control not to do the same to him as I did Logan.
Don'tdoit, don'tdoit, don'tdoit... you know that you'll regret it and be sickened with yourself. And he has the right to be pissed at you.
But the anger needs an outlet before it triggers more self-loathing, and I quickly pick up a fairly thick twig that takes a moderate amount of effort to snap into pieces, feeling slightly calmer each time I break off a piece.

[Ian Hunt]

"Probably a good thing," I say after a moment, as my conscience won't let it rest, "Not having it in you, a good thing. Who'd want the ability to kill anyway?"

[Arden Patricks]

I nod yet again, continuing to snap small pieces off the twig and feeling a great deal better.
"Sorry," I say quietly, even though he doesn't seem to have noticed that he nearly got hexed. And maybe it can be counted as an apology for failing to kill Logan as well.

[Ian Hunt]

"Nothing to be sorry for," I shrug.

[Arden Patricks]

I shrug. "Very nearly could've been. And..." I decide not to add the part about Logan. "Well, and thank you," I shrug. "There aren't a lot of people I could tell this kind of thing to. And I appreciate it."

[Ian Hunt]

"I'm hardly supportive or helpful by any definition of the words," I shrug, "But sure, no problem."

[Arden Patricks]

"You're helpful and supportive just by listening," I shrug, picking up another, smaller twig and twirling it now the other's gone. "Not to mention offering perspective. It really can be helpful just to get a new perspective once in a while."

[Ian Hunt]

"If you say so," I shrug slightly.