confused (Ian)

[Arden Patricks]

"Such as?" I ask stubbornly.
Hypocrite... hypocrite. Why is it okay for you to think about it but nobody else?
Because everybody else is the reason I won't let myself, so there's no way in hell they're allowed when I can't.

((I was thinking so.... Very distracting for our fans trying to read this, lol.))

[Ian Hunt]

"Such as..." I falter, "I don't have to explain myself."
Because if I do then someone'll know how fucked up I really am.

[ooc-fans...o.O?]

[Arden Patricks]

"Dio it anyway, or I swear I'll...." I pause. "Well, something. Please? Maybe it can be worked out."

((Aye.... Well, your fans anyway. But okay... not taking....))

[Ian Hunt]

"It's not so easily explained," I mutter, "Does it not just get to you? I think of all the people I've ever loved, felt connected to at all and where are they? Dead. Either dead or so different I don't even recognise them anymore. Or even worse, they're still here but barely hanging on and...does that not just get to you?"

[Arden Patricks]

"Well... yes. Yes it would." I look down at the ground, trying not to imagine a world where I've lost not only Andra but also Chance, Laken, Riley, Logan... Ian.
You've been lucky so far.
"So why would you push others to that point as well?" I ask after a moment, looking up. "I know it's not fair, and I can't imagine losing that many people, but how can you make the few you've got left feel the way you do now? What kind of person would do that?"
You're not being fair. You'd probably do the same thing.

[Ian Hunt]

"Arden, honestly, I can't think of anyone who it'd make that much of an impact too. Maddie and Alex, better off without me, I'll only find some way to fuck it up and get them killed like I got Rowan and Poppy killed."

[Arden Patricks]

"Shows all you know," I mutter. "One, that wasn't your fault. It's mine, I made him angry. Two, I sincerely doubt that Maddie wouldn't be extremely bothered if you killed yourself. And three...." I stop, voice shaking by this time. "You really think that anyone around here can stand to lose another friend if they can help it?"

[Ian Hunt]

"No, it wasn't your fault. You did nothing wrong. Yeah, I think she'd be bothered, but in the long run, it'd be better off," but I'm faltering even as I'm saying this, "And I didn't say it made sense, I didn't say it was the humanitarian thing to do. All I know is that when I am alone I cannot get the idea out of my head, everything I see has a million possibilites for how I could do it. And I end up...just slitting my wrists and half-heartedly praying that it doesn't go too deep because I know that it would be wrong but it is the thing that I want most at that point in time."

[Arden Patricks]

"Maybe you just shouldn't be alone then," I say, deciding to drop the subject of Rowan and Poppy.
Was too my fault, just like you said. If I had kept my temper he would never have had to curse me and then he wouldn't have gone looking for someone to blame that on, I think, having worked it out since then. Just like Andra is partially my fault....
"I think I know the feeling and... maybe you just shouldn't be alone. Get the fuck away from wherever you are and just find people, any people."

[Ian Hunt]

"You know the feeling, you know how hard it is to convince yourself you don't want to be alone," I reply.

[Arden Patricks]

I glance down again. Definitely got it easier.
"Half that, yes," I nod. "Never knowing if you're on the run toward people or away from them...." I shake my head. "But part of you doesn't want to, like you said. So... I don't know. Maybe you just need to find out why that is and pay more attention to that... if you can. I don't know."

[Ian Hunt]

Or maybe I should just give in.
I just stay silent, and nod weakly, not wanting to risk arguing about it anymore.

[Arden Patricks]

I shake my head, not liking the lack of audible response. "Or maybe you should just fucking kill yourself so that everyone else can fucking kill themselves like dominoes and then the world will be over," I mutter bitterly, shrugging.

[Ian Hunt]

I glance up at her with a wry look, shaking my head slightly.

[Arden Patricks]

"Sorry," I mutter, shaking my head, not sure why I'm apologizing.

[Ian Hunt]

"Why?" I snort.

[Arden Patricks]

"I don't know, come to think of it." I shrug. "Because I don't think I'm helping? I don't know."

[Ian Hunt]

"I don't expect you to help, it's alright," I shrug.

[Arden Patricks]

"I didn't say you did," I shrug. "I just want to because I hardly want to lose another friend."

[Ian Hunt]

I shrug, lowering my gaze guiltily almost immediately.

[Arden Patricks]

I sigh slightly, picking up the broken pieces of twig from earlier and rolling them around in my hands again restlessly, not knowing what else to say.

[Ian Hunt]

I sigh softly, looking at the floor.

[Arden Patricks]

I bite my lip, hesitating slightly before asking. "How likely are you to do it?"

[Ian Hunt]

"I don't know," I say honestly.

[Arden Patricks]

Helpful.
I'm silent again for a bit. "I don't suppose promises mean anything?"

[Ian Hunt]

"Very little," I nod.

[Arden Patricks]

I nod. So then what in the hell can I do? What will make this better?
I tear a small piece of bark off one of the twig bits, making it fairly sharp on one end and causing me to glance automatically down at my arms.
Not the same thing, but similar. You're just not as far along, perhaps.

[Ian Hunt]

I watch her, unable to keep from laughing without humour at the situation, "I wouldn't let it get this far."

[Arden Patricks]

"Sorry?" I ask, looking up. Not some kind of mind reader, are you?

[Ian Hunt]

"The stick, it's sharp, and the way you're looking at it..." I shake my head, "You're either some sort of self-harmer or considering it, at a guess."