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Post by Arden Patricks on Dec 15, 2007 22:58:52 GMT
"Not... really," I shrug. "Doesn't count. But I won't let it get that far." I shake my head.
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Post by Ian Hunt on Dec 15, 2007 23:06:12 GMT
I nod, not sure why it bothers me.
Of course it bothers you. You want someone to meet the same fate as you're contemplating?
"That's good," I say after a moment.
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Post by Arden Patricks on Dec 15, 2007 23:15:17 GMT
I nod, thinking of a couple different replies that tend to contradict each other.
"So why do you care if... you're just planning to not be here anymore?" I ask, deciding that one's probably most helpful. "You think other people won't start doing similar things? Or get worse if they already are?"
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Post by Ian Hunt on Dec 15, 2007 23:17:18 GMT
"No, because I'm not worth it," I say, genuinely bemused by the question, "I don't see why it should bother anyone that much."
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Post by Arden Patricks on Dec 15, 2007 23:20:50 GMT
"Just because you don't see it doesn't mean it isn't there," I shrug. "Hell, half the time I don't know why I'm still here, because it shouldn't bother anybody either... but just in case, I can't. I don't know."
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Post by Ian Hunt on Dec 15, 2007 23:23:09 GMT
"But it's different for you. People do care. Logan, he'd go completely mad, as he's demonstrated before. Your brother. Your friends."
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Post by Arden Patricks on Dec 15, 2007 23:30:40 GMT
"And you don't have friends?" I argue. "Maddie wouldn't... maybe potentially follow you?" I ask, remembering she'd tried to kill herself before. "Your kid, Alex? You have people who care about you too."
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Post by Ian Hunt on Dec 15, 2007 23:33:01 GMT
I realise there's no reply to this, none apart from the selfish admission that it's what I want to do, what I need to do, because I'm more scared of what'll happen if I don't than what'll happen if I do. So I just stay quiet.
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Post by Arden Patricks on Dec 15, 2007 23:47:19 GMT
"What I thought," I mutter softly. "Not that it helps with the underlying cause...."
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Post by Ian Hunt on Dec 16, 2007 18:42:20 GMT
"Not really," I agree quietly, "I just want it all to go away."
I shake my head with wry amusmant at how childish that sounded.
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Post by Arden Patricks on Dec 16, 2007 18:48:48 GMT
I shake my head with a soft not-really-a-laugh. "Amen to that...." Not that I know how.
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Post by Ian Hunt on Dec 16, 2007 18:56:29 GMT
"Sound like a ten-year old," I mumble, resting my head in my hands, "Feel like I'm ancient."
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Post by Arden Patricks on Dec 16, 2007 19:01:04 GMT
"Feel like a ten-year-old." I laugh very slightly. "But also somewhat ancient." I bite my lip, not sure what else to say. "Is there anything at all that I can do?" I ask quietly.
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Post by Ian Hunt on Dec 17, 2007 19:07:26 GMT
"No, it'll go away," I say without conviction, "It'll go away on it's own. Like it usually does."
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Post by Arden Patricks on Dec 17, 2007 21:50:57 GMT
I nod. And then it will come back again... and what if it doesn't?
"But what if it doesn't?" I ask quietly. "And... and you shouldn't have to just wait it out like that, then wait for it to come back...."
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Post by Ian Hunt on Dec 18, 2007 20:38:44 GMT
"You have an alternative?" I ask, raising an eyebrow.
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Post by Arden Patricks on Dec 18, 2007 20:42:18 GMT
"Heh... no," I mutter frustratedly, with a bitter sort of laugh. "Just... I don't know. There has to be something I can do."
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Post by Ian Hunt on Dec 18, 2007 21:04:33 GMT
"There's not. Unless you'd rather just finish it for me?" I suggest, then snort bitterly, "Sorry."
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Post by Arden Patricks on Dec 18, 2007 21:06:13 GMT
"Thanks, I'll get right on that," I mutter, eying him darkly.
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Post by Ian Hunt on Dec 18, 2007 21:12:30 GMT
"Sorry, inappropriate," I mutter, rubbing my hand over my temple, "Should just stop speaking now."
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Post by Arden Patricks on Dec 18, 2007 21:14:32 GMT
I shrug, shaking my head. "No, it's fine. Just... maybe inappropriate, yes, to suggest that I should help you by killing you."
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Post by Ian Hunt on Dec 18, 2007 21:15:43 GMT
"I don't think things through before I say them. Prime example there."
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Post by Arden Patricks on Dec 18, 2007 21:17:52 GMT
"Ditto," I shrug. "I'd probably say something similar if the situation was reversed. If not something worse."
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Post by Ian Hunt on Dec 18, 2007 21:20:50 GMT
"Makes me feel a little better then," I concede.
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Post by Arden Patricks on Dec 18, 2007 21:27:59 GMT
About that anyway, I think, still rather bothered.
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Post by Ian Hunt on Dec 18, 2007 21:31:28 GMT
"Look, Arden, don't worry about this," I sigh softly, "I shouldn't have said anything in the first place. It just comes and goes, it has for years now. And I'm still here."
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Post by Arden Patricks on Dec 18, 2007 21:36:29 GMT
I nod, sighing slightly. "Until it doesn't go away again, for once. Until you actually do something really stupid and no one's around."
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Post by Ian Hunt on Dec 18, 2007 21:44:31 GMT
"I've done 'really stupid' things before. Someone's always bloody around," I mutter darkly, "Gid, Rowan, even fucking Logan, there's always someone."
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Post by Arden Patricks on Dec 18, 2007 21:49:52 GMT
Always has been. Doesn't mean there always will be.
But the last bit is intriguing, and I glance at him, frowning very slightly. "He -?" Then I stop, deciding I probably shouldn't ask, and remembering they used to be friends. "Never mind."
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Post by Ian Hunt on Dec 19, 2007 19:36:47 GMT
I look up, realising what I've said, "Yeah. He's saved my life before now."
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