Post by Chance Gracieux on Nov 20, 2007 0:07:36 GMT
I’ve been standing here looking at the casket for so long that I’ve ceased to actually see it, and just about forgotten where I am and why I’m here, until it’s just about exactly like any other time I’ve been alone somewhere with Andra – where she’s doing her thing, I’m doing mine, until finally whatever I’ve been stewing about comes spilling out of nowhere with no apparent trigger. She always could get me to talk, about the things I thought were far too stupid to tell anybody else.
I look down at the floor for a moment, and then back up at her, just as if she’s listening.
“It’s everybody’s fault,” I say quietly, in a tone as if continuing a conversation that we were just having.
Pause. Long one. Long enough that, by rights, she should go back to whatever she’s doing or change the subject. But of course she stays quiet, waiting for me to continue.
“It’s everybody’s fault,” I say again shrugfully, shaking my head. “Andrew should’ve made sure that you weren’t here in the first place. Arden… well, Arden isn’t saying how it’s her fault, just something about karma and being too forgiving. And all of us… I…” I swallow hard, looking up, speaking desperately. “We should have never let you go wandering off by yourself, not so late at night. You never should have gone so close to the forest, not preoccupied like that. So it’s your fault that you wandered off alone, ‘cause it’s our fault that we made you drop a class, making it your fault all over again for not keeping up with your homework.”
I’m practically yelling now and obviously sounding like an idiot, so I take a deep breath and try to calm down.
“So in that case it’s your mum’s fault for going off and dying,” I say quietly. “Or possibly Laken’s and… the rest of us for distracting you. But mostly it’s the Death Eaters’ for wanting you dead in the first place….” I take another breath. “And maybe then it’s everybody’s for not ending this war yet.”
I pause, then nod a bit to show her that I’m done. For once, she doesn’t nod back, looking at me carefully before turning a page in her book and pretending to go back to it.
I hesitate a bit, then walk slowly forward, pressing a hand to the side of the casket while looking away from her face.
It’s everybody’s fault, I say again silently, to cover up the other voice that’s piping up insistently from the back of my head, trying to make itself heard.
It’s everybody’s fault… not just mine, I argue back. But the voice won’t shut up.
I look down at the floor for a moment, and then back up at her, just as if she’s listening.
“It’s everybody’s fault,” I say quietly, in a tone as if continuing a conversation that we were just having.
Pause. Long one. Long enough that, by rights, she should go back to whatever she’s doing or change the subject. But of course she stays quiet, waiting for me to continue.
“It’s everybody’s fault,” I say again shrugfully, shaking my head. “Andrew should’ve made sure that you weren’t here in the first place. Arden… well, Arden isn’t saying how it’s her fault, just something about karma and being too forgiving. And all of us… I…” I swallow hard, looking up, speaking desperately. “We should have never let you go wandering off by yourself, not so late at night. You never should have gone so close to the forest, not preoccupied like that. So it’s your fault that you wandered off alone, ‘cause it’s our fault that we made you drop a class, making it your fault all over again for not keeping up with your homework.”
I’m practically yelling now and obviously sounding like an idiot, so I take a deep breath and try to calm down.
“So in that case it’s your mum’s fault for going off and dying,” I say quietly. “Or possibly Laken’s and… the rest of us for distracting you. But mostly it’s the Death Eaters’ for wanting you dead in the first place….” I take another breath. “And maybe then it’s everybody’s for not ending this war yet.”
I pause, then nod a bit to show her that I’m done. For once, she doesn’t nod back, looking at me carefully before turning a page in her book and pretending to go back to it.
I hesitate a bit, then walk slowly forward, pressing a hand to the side of the casket while looking away from her face.
It’s everybody’s fault, I say again silently, to cover up the other voice that’s piping up insistently from the back of my head, trying to make itself heard.
It’s everybody’s fault… not just mine, I argue back. But the voice won’t shut up.