all your fault

[Arden Patricks]

I've been sitting, deathly pale and almost entirely still except for the shaking, in the back of the funeral home for hours now, and I still can’t get up the courage to move forward.
She’s not allowed to be dead. Not Andra. Not somebody who… who laughs so much and lives so much and… why not me? It’s not exactly hard to see who’s the better person, who could do more with her life. Why can’t it be me?
”Fate has a funny way of picking off the decent of us first.”
I let out a very small, dry sob and shake my head. That would explain it.
So it’s all your fault then, Arden, my bitter voice says with heavy sarcasm. You should’ve been a better person, and then this would not have happened. Where’s your fucking karma now? it asks, triggering a wave of guilt even though part of me knows that I can’t possibly blame myself.
I shake my head, closing my eyes. Yes I can, I nod, mouthing to myself as I shake my head again repeatedly. This is all my fault, all my fault, all my fault….

[Riley Pearson]

I walked into the funeral home not believing that I was actually there. I was just talking to her the other day. And truthfully I had just met her that day as well. I took a deep breath and walked in a little further, seeing Arden sitting in the very last row of seats. Silently, I walk over to her and sit down next to her.
"Hey..." I say silently not wanting to look at the front of room at the casket.

[[ how'd she die? ]]

[Arden Patricks]

A semi-familiar voice interrupts my self-loathing, but I don't look up or open my eyes, just nodding slightly to acknowledge the person's presence.
All my fault, all my fault....

((Murdered in the forest... not sure exactly, but she was a real mess so it was probably horrific. That's all I've got so far. Waiting for the murderer to be on line so I can get his input.))

[Riley Pearson]

I looked over at her and see her eyes closed and shaking slightly. I knew that Andra was Arden's best friend and most likely if I was her, I wouldn't want to talk either.
I didn't say anything else, but leaned over to her and pulled her into a tight hug.

[[ ooooh okay ]]

[Arden Patricks]

I close my eyes tighter, trying not to cry as he gives me a hug.
All my fault.
I cry silently, feeling very grateful that somebody is there helping to drown out the words in my head. They've lost most of their meaning now anyway, and I decide that there's no point repeating them so much.

[Riley Pearson]

I rub her back slightly as I hug her.
"It's gonna be okay.." I say silently still holding onto her.

[Arden Patricks]

I give a teary sort of laugh at those words, then nod.
It'll never be okay, idiot.
But I nod anyway, appreciating the sentiment even if it's stupid.

[Riley Pearson]

I pull away from here and sit back in my chair, leaving my arm around her.
I wasn't sre if she believed me when I said it would be okay. And I guess if it was me, in the situation, I'd have a hard time believing it to, so I let it drop, and rubbed her arm slightly with my hand.
I moved my eyed up to the casket and a knot formed in my throat, a single tear falling down my cheek.

[Arden Patricks]

I stop crying after a bit and wipe my eyes with the back of my hand, keeping my head down so I won't have to see the casket, even though it's starting to give me a headache.
Thank you, I think, wishing for the millionth time that I didn't lose the ability to speak so easily. Or that I could say things with my mind somehow.

[Riley Pearson]

There was a sort of eery silence in the room. I didn't like it. Then again, I never really liked funeral homes at all. I looked away from the casket and over to Arden.
"Are you going up?" I asked her silently my voice cracking slightly.

[Arden Patricks]

I look up at the casket when he asks that and then quickly shake my head, compounding the dizzy feeling.
I can't. Not yet.
"Not yet," I manage to repeat out loud, in not much more than a whisper.

[Riley Pearson]

I nod my head, "Okay" I say quietly. After a few moments I speak up again, "I'll go with you if you want..." I add just as quietly.

[Arden Patricks]

I shake my head again, then close my eyes against the dizziness. "I have to by myself, I think," I say quietly. Pause a moment. "Thank you."

[Riley Pearson]

"Okay" I say nodding my head again, "You're welcome..." I give her a small smile and turn my head away again, avoiding eye contact with the casket.

[Arden Patricks]

I nod, able to forget for a moment and therefore go a little numb, just going through the motions without feeling anything. I look up at the casket and it occurs to me that I'm supposed to feel something, but I can't. Like I'm all wrapped up in a layer of thick clouds that keep anything around me from being real.

[Riley Pearson]

I stayed silent just thinking and wondering how long Arden had been sitting here. I didn't know what to say anymore and figured it might be best if i didn't say anything.

[Arden Patricks]

You have to be able to feel something, one of my voices says after a moment, with a panic that seems not entirely justified in the otherwise slowness and stillness of my mind. Then I notice that my heart still aches, but in a very detached, physical way rather than an emotional one. This bothers me a bit and the panic starts to spread, even though my face shows nothing, and I start to wish that Riley would go away so I can scratch my arms again, physical pain perhaps triggering emotion.

[Riley Pearson]

I move my arm off from around her and lean both my arms down my knees, rubbing my eyes and my face slightly and then threw my hair and to my neck.

[Arden Patricks]

I have to scratch my arms... I have to scratch my arms....
"Excuse me," I mutter, standing up quickly, shaking quite a bit and eyes wide with panic, moving past Riley to go find another room, somewhere I can hurt myself without someone to stop me.
They don't get it, it's not bad. It's not like I'm suicidal. I just need my arms to hurt.

[Riley Pearson]

I sit up and watch her leave the room quickly. I sighed slightly and got up, slowly making my way toward the front of the room. I stepped up to the casket and looked down.
But who I saw laying there wasn't Andra. It was Riyann. I gasped slightly and blinked slightly shaking my head repeatedly stepping away slightly, tears forming in my eyes.
I blinked again, and I saw Andra lying there. I sighed, tears now rolling down my cheeks. I kept stepping backwards and all of sudden didn't want to be alone. I left the room and retraced Arden's steps to find her.

[Arden Patricks]

There's a mostly-empty cleaning closet a few feet down the hall, and I sink gratefully onto an upside-down bucket, shakingly pulling out a nail clipper from my pocket and examining the sharp clippy edge for a moment before drawing it down my arm.
”Hard to imagine what else would make me feel that bad.”
I laugh tearily at the memory of my own words to Logan, at the irony of it.
Gee, I don’t know… maybe one of my best friends being murdered by another? Do I now have cause to break my promise?
Relief floods through me at the fact that I can feel again, as my arms fill up with sharp white scratches and tears run down my face, and I hold on to the nail clipper tightly, taking deep breaths to compose myself before I go back out there.

[Riley Pearson]

I look down the hallway and as I'm walking I see Arden walking out of a room. I wiped the tears from my eyes quickly and walk over to her. Before I could say anything to her my eyes darted down to a sleeve she was pulling down. I saw marks on her lower arm before it was all the was down.
I looked at her arm questioningly and then back up to her.
"Arden, show me your arm" I told her softly, her walking forward with my hand out.

[Arden Patricks]

I finally walk out of the closet a while later, wiping the last of the tears from my eyes and pulling my sleeves down before realizing anyone's there. My eyes go wide as I notice Riley, and I pull the sleeves further, shaking my head.
You moron, should have done that earlier. People always freak and you don't need that right now.
"It's nothing," I shrug, wrapping my arms around myself protectively, hunching my shoulders. "Just a... a few scratches, from something."

[Riley Pearson]

"It didn't look like nothing" I said looking back at her arms, "What happend?"

[Arden Patricks]

"Nothing." I shake my head. "Seriously, just scratches. Didn't even puncture skin." Much. Just red and raw and aching with white edges, that's all.

[Riley Pearson]

I nodded and looked at her skeptically, "Where'd they come from?" I asked her curiously, "It'd make me feel better if I knew... just nothing can do that to someone.."

[Arden Patricks]

"I... I don't know," I shake my head. "Just... something I brushed against, I guess. Wasn't paying attention."
Liar, a voice says accusingly, and I swallow dryly. I'm okay with half-truths and evasions, but never outright lying. But they never, ever get it, so you have to.

[Riley Pearson]

My facial features softend slightly and I looked in the eyes, "Okay... be careful though..." I say to her softly thinking that I would just keep an eye on her the rest of the day, just in case.

[[ whoa, jourdan killed riley's brother off yesterday ]]

[Arden Patricks]

I nod, relieved that he didn't press it. Everyone overreacts, I think, remembering how Andra had yelled at me until Chance calmed her down, looking at me pityingly. Like it was a big deal.
But she's not going to do that anymore, I think, folding my arms again as I walk back to the door of the room that she's in and stop, not wanting to go in there again.

((Holy... that's a hell of a thing to find out all of a sudden.))

[Riley Pearson]

"You don't have to go back in..." I say quietly, not being able to take my eyes off the casket, thinking about what I saw a few moments ago. I didn't really want to go back in either.

[[ i know, i never even got to rp with him... she just told me on yahoo ]]