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Nov 9, 2007 0:14:47 GMT
Post by Madeline Speare on Nov 9, 2007 0:14:47 GMT
"I..-I don't know." I whisper quietly then shake my head, lump rising in my throat. Crying won't being them back, it didn't work for your mum and dad it won't work to them.
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Nov 9, 2007 18:27:33 GMT
Post by Ian Hunt on Nov 9, 2007 18:27:33 GMT
I sink down into a chair near the back of the room, leaning forward slightly so I'm hunched up, watching the floor. "I missed her whole life, you know. All of it. Most of Row's too," I say after a moment, quietly as if I'd just realised it myself when it was just the first time I'd said it out loud.
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Nov 9, 2007 21:32:38 GMT
Post by Madeline Speare on Nov 9, 2007 21:32:38 GMT
I glance up, looking back at her,"You didn't know about her." I say quietly. What can you say here now? Sorry? No, there's nothing else you can say. "It's not all your fault Ian," I tell him,"I know if you had known about her you'd have been there from the start."
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Nov 11, 2007 15:28:13 GMT
Post by Ian Hunt on Nov 11, 2007 15:28:13 GMT
"It is all my fucking fault, all of this is my fucking fault," I murmur into my hands.
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Nov 12, 2007 21:37:06 GMT
Post by Madeline Speare on Nov 12, 2007 21:37:06 GMT
I stay quietly, knowing if I said anything he'd just say it was his fault.
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Nov 12, 2007 21:45:11 GMT
Post by Ian Hunt on Nov 12, 2007 21:45:11 GMT
"No, this is Logan's fault," I say after a moment, "This is Logan's fault."
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Nov 12, 2007 21:49:38 GMT
Post by Madeline Speare on Nov 12, 2007 21:49:38 GMT
"Ian.." I say quietly, then stop not sure what there was I could say.
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Nov 12, 2007 21:53:07 GMT
Post by Ian Hunt on Nov 12, 2007 21:53:07 GMT
"Ian what? This is his fault! And they did nothing...nothing wrong!"
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Nov 12, 2007 21:56:45 GMT
Post by Madeline Speare on Nov 12, 2007 21:56:45 GMT
"Just stop, calm down." I mutter, reaching for his hand.
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Nov 12, 2007 22:02:22 GMT
Post by Ian Hunt on Nov 12, 2007 22:02:22 GMT
"I'm calm, I'm fucking calm, fucking completely calm," I mutter. Now that was just a pointless lie.
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Nov 12, 2007 22:07:11 GMT
Post by Madeline Speare on Nov 12, 2007 22:07:11 GMT
"No your not, far from it. You need to calm down tiger,"
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Nov 12, 2007 22:11:16 GMT
Post by Ian Hunt on Nov 12, 2007 22:11:16 GMT
"Why should I? This is not fair and I do not want to calm down-..." I cut myself off before I succeed in just making myself angrier.
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Nov 12, 2007 23:03:05 GMT
Post by Madeline Speare on Nov 12, 2007 23:03:05 GMT
"And getting angry will do what exactly?" I ask, standing up,"What will that fucking acomplish?"
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Nov 13, 2007 22:25:07 GMT
Post by Ian Hunt on Nov 13, 2007 22:25:07 GMT
"I don't know...more than sitting around and moping...then going and slitting my wrists open in the vague hope that I-..." I stop, won't come round? will be okay when I come round?
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Nov 13, 2007 22:34:44 GMT
Post by Madeline Speare on Nov 13, 2007 22:34:44 GMT
"I can't believe your still doing that," I whisper, although I in fact wasn't that surprise,"And what good will that do? Huh? That's the worst fucking thing you can do in a time like this,"
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Nov 13, 2007 22:36:23 GMT
Post by Ian Hunt on Nov 13, 2007 22:36:23 GMT
"Well give me a fucking alternative," I mutter.
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Nov 13, 2007 22:38:06 GMT
Post by Madeline Speare on Nov 13, 2007 22:38:06 GMT
"Fine." I mutter,"Me or that." Your being selfish. I'm making a choice. What kind of fucking choice is that?
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Nov 13, 2007 22:39:05 GMT
Post by Ian Hunt on Nov 13, 2007 22:39:05 GMT
"That's not fair."
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Nov 13, 2007 22:41:22 GMT
Post by Madeline Speare on Nov 13, 2007 22:41:22 GMT
"No, this isn't fair," I say, gesturing to his wrists,"I can't keep doing this, I can't. Do I really make you that unhappy?"
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Nov 13, 2007 22:44:44 GMT
Post by Ian Hunt on Nov 13, 2007 22:44:44 GMT
"You don't make me unhappy, this is not you. It's me," I mutter, "My problem because I can't-...I'm not fucking normal, I'm not fucking good enough and I never will be, everyone that thinks otherwise is dead besides you, and it always seems your unhappy and I don't know how to fucking cope and this is my way, that's all."
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Nov 13, 2007 23:06:08 GMT
Post by Madeline Speare on Nov 13, 2007 23:06:08 GMT
"I'm unhappy because you keep doing this, and maybe I don't make you unhappy but I'm doing a hell of a job keeping you happy. Why do you have to keep putting yourself down like that? You have to stop seeing yourself as worthless, 'cos your not. And this is not the way to handle any of this!"
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Nov 14, 2007 21:34:11 GMT
Post by Ian Hunt on Nov 14, 2007 21:34:11 GMT
"Then how the hell am I supposed to handle this? My brother, my daughter, my friends, family, my conscience is having a fucking field day as per usual...I deserve what I get but it's everyone else that pays for my mistakes and it's not fair!"
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Nov 14, 2007 21:52:13 GMT
Post by Madeline Speare on Nov 14, 2007 21:52:13 GMT
"Your not the only one who's lost someone Ian, I have too you know! And no it's not fair, but it's not fair to me that you keep doing this! You keep doing that and one day you cut to deep? I'm left with two kids, that I cannot possible take care of. You think that's fair?!"
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Nov 14, 2007 21:58:36 GMT
Post by Ian Hunt on Nov 14, 2007 21:58:36 GMT
"I didn't say I was the only one who'd lost someone! Yeah, what if...okay, fine. One day I cut too deep, great it's finally fucking over, and I don't know, how about you ask Logan for help? Probably not even my kids anyway!" I say without meaning to.
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Nov 14, 2007 22:04:02 GMT
Post by Madeline Speare on Nov 14, 2007 22:04:02 GMT
I stop, not sure whether to keep yelling at him, or to cry. I was more worried about how he found out. Course he'd find out, he's not that thick you know. "I hate you." I whisper quietly, temper rising."You know what, fucking slit your wrists open, I don't even give a fuck anymore," I mutter, turning back around.
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Nov 14, 2007 22:11:12 GMT
Post by Ian Hunt on Nov 14, 2007 22:11:12 GMT
"You hate me...yeah, I kind of had the vague idea of that, thanks," I reply, regretting keeping quiet about knowing for as long as I had. Guess what Chris...I know something that might interest you, and I just can't keep it to myself any longer... His voice made my skin crawl. "Like I needed an invitation," I mutter.
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Nov 14, 2007 22:14:56 GMT
Post by Madeline Speare on Nov 14, 2007 22:14:56 GMT
"Fuck you Ian," I mutter, wrapping my arms around me, tugging my jacket closer around me, heading towards the door."Fuck you."
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Nov 14, 2007 22:16:53 GMT
Post by Ian Hunt on Nov 14, 2007 22:16:53 GMT
"Hey, why bother? Go fuck Logan, and anyone else you decide to make a fool out of me with," I say after her.
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Nov 14, 2007 22:22:07 GMT
Post by Madeline Speare on Nov 14, 2007 22:22:07 GMT
"Drop dead!" I call over my shoulder, tears blurring my vision as I push the door open and storm out.
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Nov 14, 2007 22:24:36 GMT
Post by Ian Hunt on Nov 14, 2007 22:24:36 GMT
"Don't tempt me," I mutter.
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