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Post by Arden Patricks on Oct 29, 2007 22:34:17 GMT
Not fair that they're dead, or that I have to lose my best friend, or lots of other things.
I shrug. "Maybe it is fair, maybe I did. You certainly don't deserve... this." I shrug again, looking down at my hands.
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Post by Ian Hunt on Oct 30, 2007 20:51:41 GMT
"I probably did. Karma, like you believe, right?" I say with a short humourless laugh, "This is fucking karma or something."
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Post by Arden Patricks on Oct 30, 2007 23:15:20 GMT
I bite my lip, shaking my head and looking at the floor again. "You can't have been that bad a person."
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Post by Ian Hunt on Oct 31, 2007 20:44:45 GMT
"You'd be surprised what I've been," I reply bluntly, "You have no idea."
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Post by Arden Patricks on Oct 31, 2007 20:49:51 GMT
True enough. I swallow hard, reminded that there's really no 'right' side to choose in this stupid feud I've wound up in the middle of.
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Post by Ian Hunt on Oct 31, 2007 20:54:53 GMT
I look up at her, surprised to not feel any guilt at the expression on her face, then back at my hands.
"Remember when we were kids? You, me, Logan, Will, Ro-..." My voice falters for a moment before I manage to continue, "Rowan. Who'd have thought we'd end up this way? Two of us fucking dead. If I were you I'd be scared, fate has a funny way of picking off the decent of us first. Bet it'll be stumped when it comes down to me and Logan. Not sure who's worse."
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Post by Arden Patricks on Oct 31, 2007 21:00:31 GMT
He is, says a voice in my head automatically, threatening to start a new wave of tears. But I swallow hard again and force them not to come, even though it increases the pressure in my chest and throat to the point where I couldn't say anything even if I had something to say. I shake my head quickly and force a deep breath.
"He is," I manage after a bit, very quietly. "I swear he is."
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Post by Ian Hunt on Oct 31, 2007 21:03:10 GMT
I stay silent, more from surprise than anything.
"That's a big thing to say," I manage after a moment.
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Post by Arden Patricks on Oct 31, 2007 21:08:49 GMT
I nod, looking down at the ground again as the lump in my throat bursts and I start crying again.
"Yeah," I say a little shakily. "But you apologized, and I don't think he ever has. You told me not to let you make up my mind about him, and he... he wasn't especially pleased that I even talked to you." I laugh very slightly, almost a sob. "And there's probably more to it, but that's the... the best I can boil it down to." I shrug, still looking at the ground.
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Post by Ian Hunt on Oct 31, 2007 21:13:06 GMT
I open my mouth to speak, some half formed defence in his case then shut it again wondering why I'd even considered trying to defend him.
Because he was your friend?
No, that's not a good enough reason anymore.
Because you can't be a better friend to her than Logan? That's not how it works.
Bingo.
So, I just decide to keep quiet, staring at my hands, wondering when I'd ever get bored of staring at my hands at times like these.
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Post by Arden Patricks on Oct 31, 2007 21:17:14 GMT
I take and let out a very long, shaky deep breath, and wipe my eyes.
You are so pathetic.
Oh, shut up, I mutter at myself, half-aware that it's a lousy comeback but not exactly caring.
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Post by Ian Hunt on Oct 31, 2007 21:19:28 GMT
"You gonna be okay?" I ask after a moment, not even sure what the question meant entirely.
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Post by Arden Patricks on Oct 31, 2007 21:26:53 GMT
I shake my head. "Don't see why I wouldn't be."
All I did was lose my best friend... but I guess that happened a while ago and this is a realization that's been building up for weeks. It'll all be better now, in fact.
I shake my head.
You are such a liar.
And you're just overdramatic.
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Post by Ian Hunt on Oct 31, 2007 21:31:15 GMT
I look at her skeptically, "Really?"
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Post by Arden Patricks on Oct 31, 2007 21:37:56 GMT
I shake my head. "Not like I actually lost anyone, right?" I ask, looking up and smiling weakly. "I've no reason to be upset."
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Post by Ian Hunt on Oct 31, 2007 21:39:39 GMT
I nod slightly, the gravity of the situation crashing back down again so I bow my head slightly to carry on looking at my hands.
No, not like you lost someone. Not like me.
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Post by Arden Patricks on Oct 31, 2007 21:46:28 GMT
I nod, wincing slightly and glancing back up at the coffins, then have to stifle a sob.
You didn't even know them, not really. Rowan hated you for most of the time that you did.
And he was Logan's friend, I think with a bit of chill. This is fucked.
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Post by Ian Hunt on Oct 31, 2007 21:50:46 GMT
I force myself to look up or risk permanent neck injury from looking down so often, and over at the coffins, then realise it was a bad idea as a lump appears in my throat.
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Post by Arden Patricks on Oct 31, 2007 21:54:45 GMT
I close my eyes and take several deep breaths, trying not to feel so much stabbing pressure in my chest, then look over at Ian when I've been moderately successful.
If you say you're sorry one more time he's going to curse you.
I nod. Very likely. But what else can I do?
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Post by Ian Hunt on Oct 31, 2007 22:06:30 GMT
"Reckon it's ever going to get easier?" I ask after a moment, not taking my eyes from the coffins, "Honestly, I mean. Don't give me the it just takes time shit. Reckon it's ever going to feel easier?"
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Post by Arden Patricks on Oct 31, 2007 22:11:39 GMT
I glance over at him, then the coffins, biting my lip again.
"I don't know," I say honestly. "People who have been through it say it does.... I don't know. I hope so."
I hope that I don't have to feel like this the rest of my life, because if so it won't last long. And I hope that you don't have to feel like you do. Really I do.
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Post by Ian Hunt on Oct 31, 2007 22:15:37 GMT
"Yeah, I hope so too. Know what struck me the other day?" I ask, then answer myself without waiting for a reply from her, "I have been 'not okay' for my entire life. And I don't even know what it's like to be okay, do you know how fucking sad that is? So, that's my ambition, I'm going to be okay."
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Post by Arden Patricks on Oct 31, 2007 22:17:53 GMT
"Decent ambition," I say with such a slight smile that it can't even really be called that. "And if you need any help with that...." I shrug.
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Post by Ian Hunt on Oct 31, 2007 22:21:40 GMT
"Yeah, thought so too," I say, and then look up at her and nod slightly gratefully, "Thanks."
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Post by Arden Patricks on Oct 31, 2007 22:24:34 GMT
I nod, then have the urge to give him a hug and have to smother an actual laugh at the thought of his reaction.
Best not bother him too much.
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Post by Ian Hunt on Oct 31, 2007 22:26:24 GMT
I watch her face change slightly, and raise an eyebrow, "What?"
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Post by Arden Patricks on Oct 31, 2007 22:30:03 GMT
I shake my head. "I... nothing, sorry." I shrug and look at the ground, then back at him. "Would you find it really odd, or would it bother you at all if I gave you a hug?" I ask, not sure I really want to anymore.
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Post by Ian Hunt on Nov 2, 2007 12:36:39 GMT
I look at her for a moment, then laugh genuinely for the first time in a while, "I'd probably find it slightly odd, but it wouldn't bother me."
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Post by Arden Patricks on Nov 2, 2007 18:19:09 GMT
I nod, smiling slightly at the fact that he actually laughed. "Well at least it wouldn't bother you. But... yes, it would be rather odd, and I don't think I will then."
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Post by Ian Hunt on Nov 3, 2007 13:22:43 GMT
"Perfectly understandable," I nod slightly in response, feeling like someone had removed one of the many sharp objects that it felt like were embedded in my throat. It actually felt easier to breathe, like I wasn't going to choke on nothing at all, just by laughing.
Maybe you should try it more often then.
Or maybe not. It's hardly fair.
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