Regret

[Ian Hunt]

"Hey, hey, hey, guess what?"
"What?"
"I just realised, right? My name is Rowan."
"...Yes...I'm glad to see that's finally sunk in..."
"No, I mean I knew it was Rowan, but rowan like the wood, you know? Well, I decided. I think my coffin should be made out of rowan, or I should be burried near a rowan tree. Something like that. I think it's sign."
"God, piss off you morbid fuck. I'm not having this conversation with you."
"I didn't say I wanted it to happen anytime soon so take the pole out of your ass and talk to me, Chris."
"Haha. I'm not going to help you plan your funeral, go away."
"Jeebus, fine, I'm going..."
I replay the same snippet of conversation over and over again in my head. I'd been standing here completely still for a long while now. He didn't look quite like him, too pale, too still. He could never keep still so he shouldn't be still now.
He shouldn't be here now anyway.
I manage to tear my gaze away to be able to glance at the considerably smaller coffin nearby. She shouldn't be here at all. She should have had her mother, she should have had a father that could have looked after her, she should have grown up, gone to school, got married, had her own kids. But no.
I don't tear my gaze away this time, it just drops of it's own accord and I find myself staring at the small piece of floor between both coffins, then slowly back up to Rowan again.
"You're trying. You're doing good. So stop putting yourself down. You're still my brother; no matter how often you fuck up, okay?"
"Yeah, okay Rowan."
I should have said something more, probably. Told him how I appreciated him, how I'd be lost without him, told him that I loved him.
You never once told him that. He told you all the time, but you never once said it back. You're going to regret that for the rest of your life.
I sigh slightly, Love you little brother.

[Yumi Baker]

Yumi walked into the funeral slowly. She didn't want to believe it. She didn't want to believe that he was dead.
But when she walked in and saw that Ian was there, she let out a soft sigh.
It was true.
Rowan and Poppy were both dead. Yumi walked up a little more and stayed to the back. Ian had more right to be there.
She felt one single tear run down her face, but she quickly wiped it away. Things weren't supposed to be like this...
She had only known him for a little while, but it didn't mean it hurt any less.

[Ian Hunt]

"You don't have to stand at the back," I say quietly, to whoever else was in the room, not turning round.

[Yumi Baker]

She stood there for a moment, considering turning around and walking out. Yumi could do funerals. Just not funerals for people she actually cared about.
Yumi took a deep breath and walked foward, and stood next to Ian. She couldn't bear to look at Poppys coffin, so she looked over at rowans. The person in the coffin didn't look like Rowan.
Rowan smiled.
Rowan joked.
This was just a cold body. Yumi walked foward to the edge of the coffin and grabbed his hand. It was freezing. Not the warn hand that would grab back. She could feel the fresh cuts on her wrists, rubbing against the sleeve of her shirt and blinked back tears as she turned away.
When her back to the coffins she wrapped her arms around herself and took a few deep breaths looking down.

[Ian Hunt]

"Keep thinking he's gonna twitch or something you know?" I say hoarsely after a moment, half watching her, half not watching anything, "Could never sit still. Seems wrong that he's not fidgeting."

[Yumi Baker]

She nodded her head and looked back up at him. "Rowan was to..." She starts but doesn't know the words to say. After a pause she sighs through her nose, "...We had somthing good going. He didn't derserve this..." She muttered and ran one hand through her hair. "I'm waiting for him to sit up, and hear Poppys laugh and this be some kind of joke." Yumi added

[Ian Hunt]

It actually feels like a physical stab of pain at Poppy's name, and I very nearly flinch but catch myself just in time.
"Yeah, if only," I agree quietly.

[Yumi Baker]

"Damn it..." She mutters letting a few tears roll. That's all she would let go. She wouldn't cry. Yumi promised herself that she wouldn't cry. "He said he'd be around...He said he'd help me!" She said almost yelling.
Yumi knew that it was no one's fault, and she shouldn't be saying any of this. She didn't blame him. Yumi was just...hurting.

[Ian Hunt]

"I know," I reply expressionlessly, wishing I could have something in my emotion.
Even the anger I'd directed at people for the first couple of days, that'd be preferable to nothing.
Like he promised he'd stick it out until I got better. Like he promised he wouldn't leave me to do this on my own. Like he promised he'd come back. Like he promised everything would be okay. Like he lied every single time.

[Yumi Baker]

Yumi closes her eyes, trying to wake up from the hell sent nightmare. But everytime she opens her eyes she still in the same place, and nothing had chaned.
"Why is all this happening?" She muttered softly, not wanting, nor needing an answer.
"He said-...He said-.." She trys to and let out more anger, hurt, and pain but nothing else can come out. Yumi couldn't find any other words.
"Guess it's time to bring out the pretty smiles and lies...." She said softly, with a bitter chuckle.

[Ian Hunt]

"Why bother even pretending?" I ask, eyes still fixed on Rowan.
He'd have wanted people to be happy, but he would hate the idea of them pretending to be.

[Yumi Baker]

"Because Ian, what do you think this would do to Mia and Brett if I act like this infront of them?" Yumi asks, not needing an answer. She turns around and looks at Poppys coffin finally. "The world is fucked up...." She mutters softly and looks over at Rowans coffin.

[Ian Hunt]

I don't answer, eyes finding the floor, the bitter voice in the back of my head reminding me that just because I don't have anyone to pretend for anymore, doesn't mean everyone else is that way.
"Yeah, this world is fucked," I agree quietly.

[Yumi Baker]

"Are you going to be ok?" She asked after a few moments of silence. "I don't mean today, or in any time period. But will you...just anytime?" Yumi asked softly wrapping her arms around herself, almost as if she was so she would fall apart.

[Ian Hunt]

I stay quiet for a while, then say hoarsely, "I really don't know."
My hands start to shake slightly at saying what I'd been thinking for months now out loud, so I shove them in my pockets.
"Are you?" I ask quietly in return.

[Yumi Baker]

"You don't have to be.." She tells him.
Yumi see's his hands start to shake and frowns, but says nothing. If he was anytinhg like her, she would want no pity. None.
Yumi looks up at him and takes in a breath. "I don't know either..." She tells him. "I only knew them both for a little while, but...Rowan.." She paued at saying his name, "Rowan meaned..so much to me." She said. "Never told him...We had just gotten together. Didn't want to scare him away." She said with a small smile rembering him. "And I loved that little girl.."

[Ian Hunt]

"I do, I do have to be. I have to be okay, I can't spend my whole life not being okay," I mumble.
I listen to her talk, taking in what she says, and removing my hands from my pockets as they start to shake more, locking my fingers together absently so I'd be doing something to see if it would stop.
"Knew him since I was 6. Never once told my own brother I loved him," I mutter, "Not once in 12 years of being his brother. And Poppy, I missed her life. Her whole life..." My eyes start to sting slightly so I fall silent again.
You will not cry. Not here, not now, not ever again.

[Yumi Baker]

Yumi stays silent after he stops talking. She wasn't sure what to say.
Then she see's his hands shaking more, and can't help the worried look on her face. She still says nothing though.
"Rowan knew..." She told him. "I know it doesn't help...but he knew."
When she hear him talk about Poppy, her throat goes dry. Yumi tried to imagine, not having Brett or Mia...
She looked up at him slightly staying silent, not sure of what to say.

[Ian Hunt]

"Yeah, he always said he knew. Always said he knew I loved him really and I always told him to fuck off," I say quietly, eyes falling on Rowan for a minute, silently wishing I could take back every insult even those made in jest, and every fight, and every dismissal and every time I hadn't taken him seriously, or let him get himself into trouble, or failed to keep him safe.
I can't look at Poppy. A part of me, the only flawless thing to ever be associated with me, gone, just like that.

[Yumi Baker]

Yumi stays silent looking down.
"It'll-.." She starts. It'll get better? How do you know that?
Yumi doens't try and say anything else. Nothing would help. This wasn't something she could fix.
It was times like these she felt that the scars were the worst.
Without thinking, she reaches one hand up and runs her hand across the scar going across her throat.
She did that when she felt like this.

[Ian Hunt]

I watch her hand go to the scar, then look away immediately.
You did that. You did that you fucking pathetic murdering bastard.
My hand goes to my own throat, and the similar scar.
And Logan did this. Logan did this to you, and this to your family.
I'm suddenly struck by a horrible feeling of being aware of all my scars, all the scar tissue on my body, which is followed by a mental image of how much of me would be left if all the scars were taken away.
Not much.

[Yumi Baker]

Yumi notices what she's doing, then puts her arm back around herself quickly.
"I'm..I'm sorry.." She says softly. She looks up at him and see's that he's doing the same thing.
Her eyes drift down towards his arm. Probably didn't know she knew.
And Yumi wasn't going to change that anytime soon. Better that way.

[Ian Hunt]

I feel somewhat exposed all of a sudden and immediately drop my arm, making to tug self consciously on my sleeve then stopping myself.
That's a cutters reflex, don't do it, remember?
I look back at her for a moment, then force my gaze back to the coffins, "It's okay."

[Yumi Baker]

Yumi nodded and made sure the underside of her arm was against herself, hidden well.
When she sees him going to pull his sleeve down she sighs softly.
"Please don't do it to much..." She muttered nodding towards his arm slightly, not listening to common sense.
Like you're one to talk...
She pushed her arms closer to her, glad she had a long sleeve shirt on.

[Ian Hunt]

"It's not that easy..." I reply, not having to glance at her to know.
If she could pick up I did it, that easily, chances were pretty high that she did too.
"As I'm sure you know," I add quietly.

[Yumi Baker]

"You don't get it." She snaps out of habbit and makes sure he sleeves were covering her arm completly.
He proably understood better than most. He was in the same boat.
"I'm-I'm sorry..." She muttered. She felt so guilty, being here. She had stopped for a little while, because of Rowan. He was the reason she stopped.
He's gone now.

[Ian Hunt]

I snort and shake my head slightly, folding my arms across my chest and looking straight ahead at the coffins.
No, I don't get it at all, no one ever does.

[Yumi Baker]

"Not like you haven't used that on someone." Yumi muttered, wraping her arms around herself again.

[Ian Hunt]

"No, suppose you have a point," I murmur, still looking straight ahead.
I stay quiet for a moment, "Was he the same with you? So desperate for it to stop, I mean."

[Yumi Baker]

Yumi nodded looking at the opposite wall.
"Made sure that I knew he'd be there for me to help me, kept telling me I didn't have to do it." She muttered. "After he talked to me I threw the razor of the Astronomy Tower...Almost jumped off in a desperate attempt to get it."