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Post by Ian Hunt on Sept 8, 2007 19:43:30 GMT
There was something different about being here, something that made it all the more real.
She wasn't away somewhere, alive and alright in a different place. She wasn't alive, wasn't breathing, wasn't thinking, wasn't feeling. Wasn't anything.
And this realisation was so much more painful than just missing her.
It was too painful to even move.
Which was why I'd been standing by coffin for hours now, not saying anything, hardly even seeing what was in front of me. Just standing.
The place was completely empty and had been all day.
I wasn't sure how I felt about that, I was angry that no one else had deemed her good enough to come and say goodbye, although the rational part of my mind was reminding me that most people had already done that, but I was glad that I could stand here uninterrupted and unquestioned.
"I'm sorry," I say quietly, as soon as I'd said unable to remember considering saying it beforehand, "I-...I never said thank you, I never told you I loved you enough, I never-...never tried hard enough, I never kept my promises, or-...or listened as much as I should have-...I-...I'm sorry." I say so quietly I could barely hear it myself, but knowing if there was any way, afterlife or something else, she would have heard.
At this thought, a lump appeared in my throat, making it harder to breathe, making my eyes sting.
Don't. Don't even think about it. Don't cry. I think harshly to myself.
Too late. A couple of tears splash onto the smooth wood of the coffin and I lower my head, unable to keep it in, tears rolling down my face.
"You're pathetic," I mutter irritably to myself.
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Post by Morgan Row on Sept 9, 2007 9:21:42 GMT
"You're not pathetic," Row says quietly, not glancing up at him as she moved to stand from the back of the hall to where the coffin was, laying a white lily on the coffin.
"Her favourite," She smiles weakly, still not looking up at him.
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Post by Ian Hunt on Sept 9, 2007 10:34:01 GMT
"I know," I say quietly, furiously blinking back tears, determined not to cry in front of Row.
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Post by Morgan Row on Sept 10, 2007 16:01:25 GMT
She smiles weakly, tugging on his sleeve and pulling his hand out of his pocket, unclenching his fist and slipping her hand in his, giving it a reassuring squeeze.
She knew it'd be the most she'd get away with in the way of comforting him.
"It's alright, Ian."
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Post by Ian Hunt on Sept 10, 2007 17:35:52 GMT
I swallow a lump that had appearing in my throat, glad she was there, and nod slightly.
After a moment of silence, I shake my head instead.
"No, it's not fucking alright. Nothing is fucking alright," I say hoarsely.
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Post by Morgan Row on Sept 10, 2007 20:31:26 GMT
"I know," She says simply, not having the energy to argue, not having a response even if she did.
She stayed quiet for a long time then, looking blankly and without seeing at the coffin in front of her, thinking about her sister, then slowly thinking about Will. Thinking about how everyone was being taken away, understanding the person next to her more than she ever really had before.
After another moment, she leant her head on his shoulder, "I'm sorry," She says quietly.
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Post by Ian Hunt on Sept 11, 2007 17:27:33 GMT
"Me too," I say quietly, putting an arm round her shoulders and resting my head on top of hers for a moment, before straightening up again, still looking straight ahead because it was easier than looking at her.
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Post by Morgan Row on Sept 12, 2007 17:02:58 GMT
She opens her mouth to speak, but for once has nothing to say, and closes it again.
There's more silence before she finally breaks it, "I heard-...wh-what h-h-happened," She says softly, surprised by how much she'd stammered before finally getting the words out, "With...With W-W-Will and-...L-Logan."
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Post by Ian Hunt on Sept 12, 2007 18:14:48 GMT
I instantly drop my gaze, finding it hard to speak.
"I'm sorry, Row. I-I didn't know."
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Post by Morgan Row on Sept 13, 2007 15:30:46 GMT
"I know," She says softly, "There w-was no way you could h-h-have known."
So why does it still feel like you betrayed me?
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Post by Ian Hunt on Sept 13, 2007 18:35:00 GMT
I nod slightly, knowing that wasn't how I felt at all, and thinking that I'd be surprised if that was how she actually felt.
"How are you coping?" I ask quietly.
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Post by Morgan Row on Sept 14, 2007 15:14:02 GMT
She laughs weakly, biting her lip to keep from breaking down and telling the truth, "Oh, you know me. Strong and all that. I'm doing fine."
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Post by Ian Hunt on Sept 15, 2007 9:16:53 GMT
I glance sideways at her, then look forward again, "It's okay to admit it," I say after a moment.
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Post by Morgan Row on Sept 15, 2007 16:28:15 GMT
"No, it isn't," She mumbles, wiping her eyes fiercely before the tears could even start, "It's weak, and it's stupid."
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Post by Ian Hunt on Sept 16, 2007 14:39:40 GMT
"It's not stupid, you know it isn't. It's stronger to be able to cry and not worry about what the world thinks of you, than to keep it all in and pretend it doesn't matter," I say softly.
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Post by Morgan Row on Sept 17, 2007 15:55:17 GMT
She laughs thickly through tears she hadn't realised she'd been crying, "Why can't you follow your own advice you stupid twat?"
[[Oooh...guess what!]]
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Post by Ian Hunt on Sept 17, 2007 18:59:04 GMT
I half-laugh, glancing at the floor briefly then back at her, "Because as you said, I'm a stupid twat."
[ooc-what?]
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Post by Morgan Row on Sept 18, 2007 15:42:46 GMT
She smiles weakly, "And I don't know what I'd do without you. Despite your lack of braincells."
[]
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Post by Ian Hunt on Sept 18, 2007 19:30:37 GMT
I smile ever so slightly, "Yeah, same goes."
[ooc-jeebus...you had to share that with me, why?]
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Post by Morgan Row on Sept 19, 2007 16:48:16 GMT
"Cos we're cool like that," She smiles.
[[Cos I love you...xD And they're so cool! I'll show you...hang on...]]
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Post by Ian Hunt on Sept 20, 2007 17:08:46 GMT
"Exactly," I smile slightly.
[ooc-um...thanks...they are indeed retro pants.]
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Post by Morgan Row on Sept 21, 2007 15:27:24 GMT
Her smile falters slightly and she looks back at the ground.
"Ian, I-I'm scared." She admits after a moment, finally deciding she couldn't put off telling him any longer.
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Post by Ian Hunt on Sept 22, 2007 10:36:29 GMT
"Of what? Row, I promise, no one's gonna hurt you," I reassure her, touching her arm lightly, "I'm gonna look after you. You'll be fine."
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Post by Morgan Row on Sept 23, 2007 10:36:20 GMT
"It's not that," She says quietly, nearly jumping as the touch took her completely by surprise.
She'd never known Ian to be one to touch people, especially to reassure them.
She wasn't sure if she could tell him now, he must be desperate to make things okay judging by his behaviour. She didn't want to mess anything up anymore, but she had to...
"I'm pregnant." She says very softly.
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Post by Ian Hunt on Sept 23, 2007 12:54:23 GMT
I look at her, then look away again, then what she said sinks in and I look back at her.
"Oh God, Row..." I say sadly.
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Post by Morgan Row on Sept 23, 2007 18:20:12 GMT
Her face creases slightly with tears she was determined not to cry and she drops her head, hair hanging over her face, "I'm sorry."
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Post by Ian Hunt on Sept 26, 2007 20:57:38 GMT
"For what? This isn't your fault. It's just-...something that happened," I say, "So, so don't. Don't do the whole apology thing, when it's not your fault. Come on, look at me?"
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Post by Morgan Row on Sept 27, 2007 16:45:38 GMT
Hands trembling slightly, she looks back up at him, "I want Will back. I need Will."
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Post by Ian Hunt on Sept 28, 2007 21:29:59 GMT
"I know," I say quietly, "But I can't-...Row-...I can't give you Will back."
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Post by Morgan Row on Sept 29, 2007 16:56:39 GMT
She nods miserably, "I know."
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