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Post by Madeline Speare on Dec 16, 2007 3:39:37 GMT
I keep my eyes fixed on the tomb stone.
Alex was sleep soundly in my arms, wrapped in his baby blanket.
I manage to push a loose strand of hair back behind my ear, without waking Alex up. I wasn't sure how long I'd been standing here, but I knew no one else didn't know I was here. Ian didn't, that was sure. I think it had been better not to tell him where I was headed. I had never felt this empty before.
Going to the doctor's hadn't help either. According to them it was
post-natal depression. I shake my head, rocking Alex gently back and forth. I didn't believe one word of it. I wouldn't. I was happy as a mum. Happier then I had been in months really.
Then why do you keep crying after Ian leaves and leaves you with the baby?
I bite down gently on my bottom lip, trying hard not to cry as my eyes scan over the tomb stone again.
Aaron Charles Matthew Hunt-Speare
I take in a breath, letting a sob escape my lips at the same time.
"I love you Aaron."
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Post by Ian Hunt on Dec 23, 2007 23:09:37 GMT
I'd taken the opportunity of Maddie leaving the house to come wandering out here.
There could be any number of reasons I was here, taking into account how many people I knew that were burried here, but there was someone specific today.
I jaw my hands in my pockets, keeping my eyes fixed on the ground as I trace a hardly worn path through the grass to the stone.
Aaron.
Then stop dead when I see Maddie's there as well. Perfect.
I make a mental note to check where she's going before she leaves in future.
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Post by Madeline Speare on Dec 23, 2007 23:12:24 GMT
"I'm so sorry," I whisper quietly to the tombstone. I wasn't so sure about what I was apologizing for but I thought if I did it make me feel better.
Feeling like crap wasn't something I enjoyed.
Alex squirms slightly, and he starts to cry.
Not again. I think as I try to calm him down. Biting down on my bottom lip, I fight back the urge to start crying myself.
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Post by Ian Hunt on Dec 23, 2007 23:15:42 GMT
I hear the familiar sound of Alex starting to cry, I didn't know they cried so much before now.
"Need a hand?" I ask quietly from behind her.
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Post by Madeline Speare on Dec 23, 2007 23:18:36 GMT
I gaps slightly, realizing there was someone behind me.
"I got it," I mumble, turning round, knowing who it was. Alex cries louder, reaching out for Ian."Or not."
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Post by Ian Hunt on Dec 23, 2007 23:30:19 GMT
"Sorry," I mumble, wincing slightly as he cries louder.
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Post by Madeline Speare on Dec 23, 2007 23:33:50 GMT
I shake my head, hoisting Alex higher into my arms, making the pill bottle fall from my pocekt. I sigh, glancing back down at the tomb, then at the pill bottle.
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Post by Ian Hunt on Dec 23, 2007 23:41:12 GMT
I glance down at the pill bottle, then stoop to pick it up, handing it to her without commenting.
I wasn't in a position to comment about that sort of thing right now.
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Post by Madeline Speare on Dec 23, 2007 23:44:19 GMT
I nod wordlessly, putting it back into my pocekt, trying to keep a hold of Alex but he keeps reaching out for Ian."Wants you." I mumble.
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Post by Ian Hunt on Dec 23, 2007 23:50:39 GMT
Can't imagine why.
I take Alex from her, hoisting him up gently in my arms, "Hey Alex."
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Post by Madeline Speare on Dec 23, 2007 23:53:51 GMT
I cross my arms over my chest, then turn looking back at the tombstone.
Aaron Charles Matthew Hunt-Speare.
My eyes start to sting as soon as I read the words.
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Post by Ian Hunt on Dec 23, 2007 23:59:05 GMT
I touch my hand to her arm lightly, not sure what I'm supposed to say.
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Post by Madeline Speare on Dec 24, 2007 0:01:26 GMT
Out of habit, I put my hand over his.
Realizing what I've done, I don't draw away just stand there looking over the name, over and over.
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Post by Ian Hunt on Dec 24, 2007 0:07:13 GMT
I keep my hand there, not wanting to take it away but not sure if I was supposed to take her hand or not seeing as she seems to have done it by accident.
So I just look back at Alex, who's firmly in the crook of my other arm.
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Post by Madeline Speare on Dec 24, 2007 0:09:44 GMT
Taking gently hold of his hand, I lean closer to him. It's a habit. One that you'll never break.
"I'm glad your here," I mumble softly, not looking up at him.
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Post by Ian Hunt on Dec 24, 2007 0:14:55 GMT
"I'm glad I am too," I say softly, gratefully keeping hold of her hand.
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Post by Madeline Speare on Dec 24, 2007 2:14:06 GMT
It takes me a moment so realize what he meant by that, then I recall the whole trying to kill himself thing but inspite of that I absently link my finger with his.
"He should be here with us," I whisper softly, looking down at Aaron's tomb.
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Post by Ian Hunt on Dec 24, 2007 9:48:18 GMT
"I know," I say quietly.
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Post by Madeline Speare on Dec 24, 2007 15:08:54 GMT
I look away feeling my eyes tear as I keep looking at his name. Alex whimpers again as the wind picks up a bit."Should get him inside," I mumble, hand closing around the pill bottle in my pocket. I kept shifting my gaze from the tombstone, to Alex, to Ian. "I can't do this.." I whisper quietly.
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Post by Ian Hunt on Dec 24, 2007 15:29:32 GMT
"You can," I mumble, not moving even though she's said we should get him inside.
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Post by Madeline Speare on Dec 24, 2007 15:32:22 GMT
I shake my head, my grip around the pill bottle tightening."I can't..I can't.."
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Post by Ian Hunt on Dec 24, 2007 15:40:32 GMT
"Maddie, you can. Don't do this, please."
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Post by Madeline Speare on Dec 24, 2007 15:44:47 GMT
Pressing my palm to my forehead, I bite down on my bottom lip."I can't.."
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Post by Ian Hunt on Dec 24, 2007 15:54:29 GMT
I watch her for what feels like a while but probably isn't, coming to the conclusion that no matter how many times I say that she can she won't listen.
"Come on, should get inside," I mumble after a moment.
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Post by Madeline Speare on Dec 24, 2007 15:56:52 GMT
"He shouldn't be here by himself," I mumble quietly, looking down at Aaron's tombstone and feeling my eyes sting.
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Post by Ian Hunt on Dec 24, 2007 16:06:08 GMT
"Maddie..." I start to say, but my throat seems to close up all of a sudden so I just fall silent again, looking back at Aaron's grave.
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Post by Madeline Speare on Dec 24, 2007 16:09:27 GMT
A million thoughts whirl through my head, but something wasn't right. In my thoughts I could see two boys. Maybe I just wanted to have both of them so much I was imagining how life would be like if Aaron made it.
I shake my head again, letting a tear roll down my face.
I stop, when I hear Alex start to cry again. There he goes again.
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Post by Ian Hunt on Dec 24, 2007 16:18:10 GMT
"Hey, come on, not now," I murmur to Alex, gently hoisting him a little higher in my arms as he starts to cry, "Come on."
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Post by Madeline Speare on Dec 24, 2007 16:23:22 GMT
I turn around, just watching them, not really making an effort to move closer to help.
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Post by Ian Hunt on Dec 24, 2007 16:31:50 GMT
"Give me a hand? You got him to stop last time."
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