Please Stop

[Ian Hunt]

"Please stop," I murmur softly to Erin as I walk very quietly up and down the hall downstairs.
She won't stop crying, and even when she does she's still sniffing so loudly it's drawing my attention from where I'm trying to sit in abject misery in the living room. Maybe that's a good thing, sitting in abject misery can't really be good for me.
Her hair is changing from alarming colour to alarming colour...blood red to safety orange to fluroscent green...maybe she'd glow in the dark. But I don't really care if she'd glow in the dark or not because she's reminding me of Row and of Erin and I can't even look at her.
Taking her from Row's appartment had seemed like the best thing to do. I could hardly leave her then on her own. And I was her Godfather. I nearly flinch, her Godfather. Now her guardian...because now she's an orphan. Now she's just like I am and I've managed to fuck someone else up as well as myself.
I think I'm crying, I'm not sure. I know I have been which is a strange experience because I can't remember crying at all in the past few years. But suddenly I have been and my face is raw with it and my eyes hurt and I remember why crying is such a stupid weak thing to do. But I can't help it. I hope I've stopped.
Row is dead. Row is dead because of me. Not in the same 'because of me' way as Rowan and Poppy because I inadvertantly caused their deaths. But in the literal 'because of me' sense. In the way that I held the wand and I spoke the words that killed her. Erin looks up at me, I don't know if I'm imaginging the accusation I see on her face. I've killed both of her parents; the realisation sends ice cascading through me.
I have directly killed both of this girls parents and now she's in my care and it makes me feel violently ill.
I want to go and punish myself. I want to make myself pay. I want to go and slit my wrists open until I am bled dry and can go and burn off my sins in hell. I want to hang myself from somewhere high; because it'll be a slow and panicstricken death which is what I deserve. I want to jump off a cliff or a building and shatter myself on the ground.
Imagining ways of destroying myself, disturbingly, calms me down enough to think.
Enough to think of Row's soft hand on the side of my face, telling me that I shouldn't want to go anywhere because I have a wonderful family and a good future and too many reasons to live. That was weeks ago now. Erin used to do the same thing when she was trying to make me listen. I feel like I'm going to explode. I don't think I need to jump from somewhere high to shatter because I think I might shatter anyway.
I realise I've stopped walking, so I resume the pace, murmuring soft hollow reassurances to Erin as I walk.
She's calming down, tiring herself out, her hair has stopped changing so violently, now just drifting between different shades of red and orange until it finally stops at a soft dull blonde.
I want to cry some more; and the urge is very strange and unfamiliar so I focus on that because it's the best thing that I can think of that's happened to me today.
"Please stop," I whisper. I don't think I'm talking to Erin anymore. I don't know who I'm talking to now.

[Madeline Speare]

I sigh softly to myself, running a hand through my hair as I look for my key.
I'd been losing everything lately.
Including your son and boyfriend.
Frowning, I push the voice to the very back of my head, knocking on the door. Tugging the jacket closer to my thin frame, I brush my hair back off my forehead.
Work was piling up, I couldn't afford to fall behind.
I couldn't afford to do anything at the moment.
Could fall behind, couldn't fall apart.
I needed to stay strong. I wasn't quite sure who I was staying strong for anymore.

[Ian Hunt]

The knock on the door wakes Erin and she jolts back into frenzied tears. I close my eyes very tightly for a moment, half in exasperation and half to stop from shouting about it all myself.
No more cutting, no more cheating, no more killing, no more drugs, no more smoking, no more lies, no more cutting, no more cheating, no more killing... I repeat this to myself a few times as I make my way slowly from one end of the hall to the other, and wonder vaguely how I let everything get so out of hand or if it's just always been out of hand. I can't work it out. Not when Erin keeps crying.
I can't make her stop. I can make Alex stop. This hurts even more. So I promptly stop thinking about it, pulling open the door with my free hand.
Of course I'm pretty sure who it is before I even answer the door, but I'm still very unprepared. I don't know how things are between us anymore.
"Hey," I mumble.

[Madeline Speare]

"Hi." I mumble, pulling the jacket closer again, stopping when I realize he's holding something.
My heart leaps thinking it's Alex but quickly drops when I see it isn't.
Erin.
I frown, not saying anything but take her from him.
Her hair was changing at an alarming rate, and she was crying.
"Hey baby girl, come on." I mumble softly, rocking her back and forth,"Don't cry."

[Ian Hunt]

"She won't stop," I say heavily, closing the door behind her and keeping my eyes firmly away from both her and Erin.
She wants her mother.

[Madeline Speare]

Watching her hair change from red to blue and to green, I frown, wandering into the living room.
"Come on baby Erin," I whisper soothingly, rocking her back and forth.
"Your okay." I mumble softly.
"Where's Row?" I ask softly, not looking up at him.

[Ian Hunt]

"She's dead," I whisper into the door, but there's no way she can hear me from the other room. I can't quite bring myself to say it any louder. I don't want to.
Row, Yumi, Row, Yumi...killed enough friends lately Ian?
I can't bear to tell her about either of these. I really can't.

[Madeline Speare]

"Ian?" I ask softly, looking up from where I was.
Erin cries louder and I focus my attention back on her."Shush, your okay baby, Aunt Maddie's got you."

[Ian Hunt]

I drag myself away from the door after contemplating just running off rather than admitting to this and head through to the other room, unsure of how to initiate a confession.

[Madeline Speare]

"Can you go up into Alex's room and bring down his lion," I mumble softly, knowing how hard it'd be to go into his room.
"I need something to get her to stop crying."

[Ian Hunt]

The request throws me for a moment as I've been avoiding going to Alex's room for a couple of days now, but I nod and head up the stairs without a word.

[Madeline Speare]

Glancing down at Erin, I'm reminded of Alex again. How it was almost impossible to get him to stop the first time we brought him home.
"Please Erin," I mumble softly, brushing her hair back."Shush,"
The last thing I wanted to do was to sing. That was for Alex and Alex alone.

[Ian Hunt]

I make my way back down the stairs, clutching Alex's lion too tightly. I can't look at it and it aches to be holding it.
I hand it to her still without looking at it, instead letting my eyes fall on Erin.
I've seen the way that Row has of half turning on the spot as she holds her and stroking the side of her face with one hand as she speaks too fast for me to understand. This is something that she needs from her mother, and she probably won't stop without Row.
I have to look away from her again. I guess that means she'll never stop.

[Madeline Speare]

I gently take the lion, letting Erin wrap her fingers around it, my stomach jolting unpleasntly. That reminded me even more of Alex.
"I don't want to sing," I whisper softly, looking down at Erin.
Your going to have to if you want her to stop.

[Ian Hunt]

"You don't have to," I shake my head.
I don't want to hear her sing anymore than she wants to. Because that's something that she does with Alex. And it's not right.

[Madeline Speare]

"We need to do something to get her to stop," I mumble, watching Erin. She wasn't crying as loudly as before but she was still hiccupping.

[Ian Hunt]

"She needs Row," I mumble, closing my eyes tightly against the guilt, pressing the base of my palms to the sides of my head to stop my skull from splitting.

[Madeline Speare]

"Where is she then?"

[Ian Hunt]

"Not here," I say lamely.

[Madeline Speare]

I bite back the urge to snap, focusing on Erin.
"Baby Erin, it's okay." I mumble softly, hoisting her higher in my arms.

[Ian Hunt]

Its not okay, it's not fucking okay.
I have to get out of the room before I say it out loud so I just mumble something incoherent to excuse myself, escaping out into the hall.

[Madeline Speare]

I sigh heavily, hoisting Erin closer to me. Your going to have to sing.
Swallowing the lump in my throat, I rock Erin gently back and forth. "Last years wishes, are this years apologies, every last time I come home,"

[Ian Hunt]

Every single word she sings hurts, but it's only a dull ache compared to thinking about Row and Yumi. I need to get out of here, but it's not fair to do that. But it's not fair to stay.
Not when I've killed two people in the past couple of days.

[Madeline Speare]

I want to close my eyes and just dirft off but I can't not when I've lost so much. Glancing down at Erin, I can see she's tired herself out, but she's not falling asleep quite yet. I don't think I can keep singing to her.

[Ian Hunt]

After a moment of standing alone in the hall, the guilt of leaving Maddie to take care of someone who's now my responsibility takes over and I force myself back into the living room again.

[Madeline Speare]

"Shush," I whisper softly, getting to my feet,"Got her to be quiet."

[Ian Hunt]

"Well done," I say quietly.

[Madeline Speare]

"I'll put her in Alex's room," I mumble, swallowing the lump that had risen in my thoart.

[Ian Hunt]

I want to stop her from doing that but I don't know how without making it sound completely pathetic and I don't know where else she could go, so I just nod wordlessly.

[Madeline Speare]

I hoist Erin higher in my arms, making my way up the stairs. I could tell I was walking slower then usual. Anything to avoid going into my son's room.