Over This

[Ian Hunt]

You're so pathetic. So worthless.
I close my eyes tightly, clenching my hands into fists where they're resting on my jeans in front of me. I don't know how long I'd been sitting in the bathroom, tense and wound up so tightly I feel like I might snap at any moment.
"I'm over this," I say softly to myself, lips hardly moving, eyes still firmly shut, "I'm over this now."
Then why do you still want it so badly?
My fists clench more, to the point where my nails are digging into my palms so much I might have punctured the skin if my nails had been a little longer.
"I don't. I don't want this," I whisper, trying desperately to convince myself before I make myself do something I'll regret.
You do. You do so badly, or you wouldn't even be having this argument with yourself.
"I don't!" I snap, louder than I mean to.
I open my eyes again, surprised at the volume of my own voice, surprised I'd been speaking out loud. It wasn't loud, but it was louder than before, making me jump so badly that something falls out of my pocket with a small but very evident clatter.
A blade. The subject of my turmoil.
My hands immediately start shaking as my eyes focus on it, and I can practically feel the blood leave my face.
I have a son now. I have Alex and Maddie to think about, I remind myself.
They're not here right now, are they?
For all I know...
No, I mean, they're not here. Not here when you're right on the edge.
Because no one knows that I'm right on the edge. I have a family now. If that's not a reason to live I don't know what it is.
You're not that sort of person, Ian, and you know it. A reason to live, or a reason not to?
The movement of bending to pick it up again takes place as if I'm in a daze and the next thing I'm aware of is the soft pressure of the sliver thin edge resting lightly on my wrist. It takes me a surprised moment to register this and wonder how it came to be there before I realise it's there because I want it to be. Because I do want it badly enough.
"Do you think people can change?"
"I know so. If they want it badly enough."
This is what I want now. Right now, this moment, there is nothing I want more. Because I'm not over this. Not at all.
There's a small shuddering breath of anticipation that passes through me that I'm hardly aware of, before I'm greeted with the familiar sensation of metal sliding through skin, through flesh, through vein. And the blood; as welcome as a brother, which I think with a limited amount of irony. As much irony as I can muster in my unpleasant almost intoxicated state.
A steady and soft drip to the floor, bloods blossoming in a small pool on the bathroom tiles and I watch it with mild interest for a moment feeling disembodied, lifting the other arm. The skin's pale, so pale it's practically translucent so I can see, feel, the blood rushing about in deep blue veins just under the surface. Waiting for me to set it free. So I do.
Watching the blood puddle grow, spreading out and becoming more of an ocean. The thought amuses me for all of half a second before my eyes flicker from that to bathroom door. Unlocked; hadn't meant to leave it unlocked. That was a mistake.
The only mistake you've made today, you did right. Don't you feel better?
I look down at my arms, thoroughs of flesh open and weeping, the other older scars are shining pearl in the eerie light that's clouding my vision.
No, I don't feel better. I don't feel anything.
Nothing apart from black, starting to flicker at the corners of my eyes and a dizzy sort of feeling that's making my limbs feel unusually heavy and reluctant to move.
And all I can really feel is disappointment. That this didn't make me feel better at all. And disappointment that I'm not over this, not at all.

[Madeline Speare]

Coming back from Mungo's I keep rocking Alex gently back and forht,"Shush, your okay Tiger cub." I mumble quietly. I slip the pill bottle into my pocket, wrapping the blanket closer around him.
Alex had a slight fever and had been coughing all night. I didn't want to take any chance so I had taken him to the hospital.
I head down the hall, into his room laying him in his crib.
He gives a whimper, holding onto my finger. "Hey, baby." I smile weakly, kissing the tip of his finger.
I straigthen up, realizing it was quiet.
"Ian?" I call, letting go of Alex's hand and heading into the hall.
I head down to the bathroom to put my pill bottle away.
Turning the knob, I stop, feeling my blood run cold.
"No."

[Ian Hunt]

I'm not sure if it's surprise at being caught at this stage of my half-thought out plan or whether the fact that there's no longer enough blood reaching my hand for my grip to remain taut; but either way the blade slips from my fingers into the ever-spreading pool of blood on the tiles beside me.
I contemplate speaking but before I can progress along this train of thought any, I realise I don't have the energy to speak anyway and all I can manage is a very faint half smile directed at somewhere above her head.
You finally happy Christopher?

[Madeline Speare]

I stop, trying to find my voice when I hear Alex start to cry.
I snap back to reality, dropping down to my knees, and into a pool of blood. Feeling the colour drain from my face, I put a hand on Ian's wrist, quickly drawing it away. It felt as if I was in a dream, the blood, the baby crying. It was all too much to handle.

[Ian Hunt]

I half shift my arm away from her, grateful when she drops my wrist. Her hand was warm on my cold skin, felt like it was burning. Living touching dying, more painful than I assumed.
I lift my eyes from her to the doorway as I hear Alex crying.
"Should see to that," I manage, my eyes still on the hall through the open door so she'd know I was referring to Alex.
My voice is more hoarse, more weak than I thought it would have been, sounding nothing like my own. I feel like I can taste blood in my mouth as well as feeling it running down my arms. It feels like all the blood in my body has jumped from where it should be to my arms at the chance to escape.
Should see to that and leave me to die.

[Madeline Speare]

I open my mouth to speak, looking back from the door to him.
My legs wouldn't move. It felt like everything had stopped, and I could hear my own heartbeat pounding in my ears.
Alex's cries get louder, more urgent. Standing slightly, I keep looking back from Ian to down the hall.
"Don't do this," I mutter, leaning forward, "Please, don't do this to me."

[Ian Hunt]

'I'm not doing anything.' I say, but no sound comes out, and my lips don't move.
Maybe it's all part of the process, not that I remember all that well. It'd been a long time since I'd last tried this, burrying vague and disturbed memories of previous attempts deep and refusing to acknowledge them.
It's probably time to face up to that.
But it's hard to focus on my own thoughts now, as they're just a hazy fog inside a hollow shell. I keep my eyes on her, trying to be able to see her and really see her but not sure if I'm managing or not or if I'm just remembering how she looks.

[Madeline Speare]

"Don't do this," I mutter, tears burning in my eyes, as I lay my shaking hands on his shoulders.
I couldn't drown out the sound of Alex crying in the background. I could hear another cry as well. My own. I hadn't realized it, but I had started crying as well. "No, "I mutter, clinging to his shirt like a frighten child,"Don't do this. Don't leave me. Please..I can't do this without you."

[Ian Hunt]

I try and move my arm slightly, but it feels heavy and it takes more effort than it should. But I manage, eventually, to put my hand on top of hers, not even sure what I mean by this. My grip is slippy with blood and the new angle of my arm is harder to hold and keep straight, stinging at the deep cuts and nearly making me wince. I'm sure I would if I had the will to.
My eyes feel heavy, aching for sleep and the dark so the light can stop burning at my eyes and I won't hurt anymore, so I just let them close after a half-hearted debate with myself that I shouldn't.

[Madeline Speare]

"I can't do this without you.." I mutter again, tears running down my face. Feeling his hand ontop of mine, I shake my head still clinging to him. I love you..I love you..I love you.. keeps repeating over and over in my head as blood from his hand runs down to mine."No..." I whisper, my voice shaking through my tears.

[Ian Hunt]

I can feel myself slipping, although I'm not sure what in sense of the word.
And the darkness with my eyes closed seems to becoming more complete but I could be imagining this.
I also might be imagining the cold, or it could genuinely be cold, or it could be what's supposed to happen.
I lose the ability to sit up straight, having to lean against her, managing a very pathetic squeeze of her hand.
I love you. I'm still here and I still love you. I promise.
Then what have you done Christopher? What have you done?

[Madeline Speare]

I bite down on my bottom lip, shaking my head trying to pull myself together but finding it very hard to do. Alex's crying in the background wasn't helping me either. I thought you loved me. "Please don't.." I mutter, my voice breaking, and heavy with tears. He's going to be okay, it's all a dream. Open your eyes and you'll realize it's all just a dream. I shut my eyes tight, but when I register the weak squeeze on my hand I realize I wasn't dreaming. I love you..I love you..

[Ian Hunt]

I'm so sorry. I just want it to end now. I've had enough now.
It hurts, I know that much, but I'm more aware that she's crying and I really wish she wouldn't because it's making me feel worse and I wish I'd remembered to lock the door.

[Madeline Speare]

I thought you loved me....why..I thought.. I could feel myself shaking, and I desperately want to stop, but I found it harder to do, when I knew he was slipping away. "Why?" My voice sounds so far away, and so much unlike my own.

[Ian Hunt]

I can feel my brow furrow ever so slightly at the sound, because it takes me by surprise and is different in comparison to the sound of Alex crying and what I can hear of her own breathing.
I turn my head very slightly, but don't quite manage to open my eyes and look at her, so I just close my hand around hers again as if the gesture explains everything.
Maybe if I think it, she'll know, because I'm holding her hand, she'll know.
That's stupid, Ian.
But all the same my thoughts whittle down to, I love you, I love you so much, really...
I wish I'd locked the door.

[Madeline Speare]

I half want to pull my hand away and half want to keep holding on.
My eyes fill with tears again, and I can still feel myself shaking. Alex was still crying in the background and I wanted nothing more then to go and see him. You can't leave him. He's already gone... "No," I whisper shakily, still holding onto to his hand. I rest my head against his chest, I could barely hear his heartbeat anymore. I have the sudden urge to yell at him, to scream and hit him and at the same time, all I want to do is cry, and ask why he did it.
Seems my brain stopped working so I could do neither. I do manage however to get one word out,"...Love.."

[Ian Hunt]

I move my other arm round her back with much effort as she leans her head on my chest. I want to hold her for some inexplicable reason, I'd assumed I might want to be on my own, but I want to hold her.
I have a sudden overpowering urge to apologise for bleeding all over her.
Yes...love...I love you.

[Madeline Speare]

I feel his arm wrap around me and I shake my head, not wanting to start crying again. Get up, get up and go see to your son. It's too late for him, you can't save him. No...I'm not leaving him... Too bad...he's left you..
"I love you..." I mumble into his chest,"I love you so much.."

[Ian Hunt]

For some reason a lot of random things are coming to mind that I really want to share with her. Completely irrelevant things, that I've long forgotten until now, but seem terribly important in the slow ticking inside my head.
It hurts too much to keep my arms like this anymore, and I have to drop them back so my wrists are resting on my knees again. I feel awful that I can't even hold her hand anymore.

[Madeline Speare]

I feel his arms drop and I start to cry even harder, even though it's the last thing I want to do. "No..." I mutter, shaking my head again. Do something, you can't let him die..you can't!

[Ian Hunt]

I stay very still, tilting my head back ever so slightly as if this'll make breathing easier. But my breathing is just getting shallower anyway, no matter what I seem to do.

[Madeline Speare]

A choking sob makes a strangling noise in my throat as a few stray bitter tears slid down my face. You can't do this..you can't...I loved you...
Taking his face in my hands, I pull him close resting my forehead against his. I love you.. Pretty obivous he doesn't love you...
"I love you," I whisper quietly,"Ian Hunt.." I stop, swallowing the lump in my throat,"Chris Turner..I love you.."

[Ian Hunt]

I wince, although I'm not sure if it's being moved or if it's being referred to by my name which I can't remember her ever doing before.
I love you too. So much. I really do. I'd spend the rest of my life with you, if I were going to have a rest of my life. I would.
My breathing is becoming shallower still, and if I wasn't saving breaths so I could linger just a little bit longer I'd use them to say it back.

[Madeline Speare]

Promise me you'll never ask me to marry you. I'm not sure why but that particular moment comes to mind and I instantly regret it, as tears spring to my eyes. I hadn't cried like this since my parents died, and now I couldn't stop. You never loved someone as much as this before.
"I love you." I whisper quietly, keeping my forehead against his."I do..so much..I.."

[Arden Patricks]

I raise my hand to knock on the door, hesitate and turn around to leave.
It’s… well, something in the morning, I believe. Not that I’m actually sure. But I can’t bother them now.
But on the other hand, where are you going to go?
I sigh heavily, turning back around and praying I don’t wake up the baby or something as I knock heavily on the door.
No answer. And, come to think of it, now that I’m listening…. Is that a crying baby?
Maybe I’m being paranoid, but he sounds like he’s really crying… as if no one is there to pick him up.
I try the knob and find it open, increasing my worry. I keep my wand ready as I wander around the upstairs hallway, finding Alex’s room and rubbing his back gently before I look for his parents.
Oh, god….
My eyes go wide as I finally find them, Ian looking dead and Maddie apparently too out of it to do anything. For that matter, I can’t think to do anything at first, just standing there frozen and terrified, until I make a small noise that might be intended as a word, brain not working properly.

[Madeline Speare]

I couldn't feel anything, I felt numb. Felt so helpless. My face is tear strained and I'm covered in blood. Alex is still crying when suddenly I don't hear anything. Panic rises in my chest, the mothering instict kicking in. I couldn't feel my legs, I was still clinging to Ian, like a child. That's what I felt like. Like a five year old, too scared to move.
I glance up, realizing there was someone else in the room. Arden.
I open my mouth to speak, but realize I can't manage to say anything.

[Arden Patricks]

I manage to shake myself out of it a bit when Maddie looks at me, and I kneel down next to them feeling very pale and shaky.
This is all your fault, you should've kept a better eye and made sure you told Maddie....
I shake my head, grabbing Ian's hand and feeling sick at the slashed wrists.
Okay... Mungo's... healing spell.... Why the fuck can't you ever speak when you're upset?!
I close my eyes, forcing myself to calm down and take several breaths.
"Okay, Mungo's," I say quietly, looking at Maddie, and holding her face in my hands to make sure she hears me. "I can't apparate."

[Madeline Speare]

I shake my head, still sobbing,"..baby.." I mutter, glancing up and looking down the hall to Alex's room. I drop my gaze, looking back at Ian, another sob escaping my lips.

[Arden Patricks]

I nod. "He's okay, I'll get him, I say soothingly, feeling very much like I've been possessed by some strange, level-headed person who's keeping the real me tied up and gagged. "But you need to get Ian some help, all right?"
I glance at him, praying he's not totally gone yet, too many conflicting thoughts to count running through my head.

[Madeline Speare]

I could hear everything she was saying, but it wasn't all connecting. It was if my brain had stopped working. I glance back at Ian, putting a hand on the side of his face, before quickly sropping it. No..stay with me..
I struggle to get up, still fixed on Ian,"Stay with me.." I whisper.