Post by Ian Hunt on Oct 21, 2007 20:22:16 GMT
I stood by the sink in the bathroom, door locked. My hands were gripping the porcelain so tightly I was surprised it hadn't cracked. Maybe my knuckles would crack first. It seemed quite possible at the moment.
Rowan gone, just like that. My best friend, my only brother...my only real brother...I make a mental apology to Matt at this point in my train of thought but it seems to be drowned out by the rush of blood in my ears, pounding in the back of my throat, making it feel like I was going to be sick.
I couldn't even begin to think about Poppy.
The cool glint of the razor blade kept drawing my eye, catching the slither of sun from the window. It was early, and no one was up, or making any noise anywhere in the house. Just me. Just me and that incessant glint that won't let me concentrate on anything. Temptation.
I tap my index finger insistently on the edge of the sink, irritably, trying to drown out whatever was going through my head. The deliberate slow pulse that I seemed to be all the more aware of. The veins in my wrists blue and prominent, too full. So full, it wouldn't make a difference, would it? Just a little relief. That's all.
You made a promise. You made several promises. No more.
It's not that easy.
Why not? Just don't pick it up, don't do it. It'll go away. Simple.
Not simple at all.
What about Maddie? The baby?
What about Rowan? Poppy? Gideon? Erin?
They're dead. Focus on life. You know, that thing you're living.
What if I'd rather not...?
Then go for it. No one's stopping you.
I close my eyes very tightly, feeling slightly dizzy, more nauseous than before.
That's what I thought.
Fine, don't do it to kill. Just a little bit of relief. It makes it better. It always does.
It's like shooting up and you know it. It works the first time and it's never the same the times after that. This isn't going to go away. Deal with it like a normal person.
You're not a normal person. You have me. Normal people don't have someone else inside their head, Ian.
I sink down on the floor, leaning my forehead against the cold sink and keeping my eyes screwed up tightly, Rowan's voice now firmly repeating itself in my ears so it drowned everything else out, I know that it's hard, and I know sometimes you can't cope, but doing this to yourself is wrong, you've got to stop. You've got to stop.
I close my eyes, face creasing up slightly in the effort to stay together, then just give up, putting my head in my hands and trying desperately to ignore the fact that tears were rolling down my face.
Rowan gone, just like that. My best friend, my only brother...my only real brother...I make a mental apology to Matt at this point in my train of thought but it seems to be drowned out by the rush of blood in my ears, pounding in the back of my throat, making it feel like I was going to be sick.
I couldn't even begin to think about Poppy.
The cool glint of the razor blade kept drawing my eye, catching the slither of sun from the window. It was early, and no one was up, or making any noise anywhere in the house. Just me. Just me and that incessant glint that won't let me concentrate on anything. Temptation.
I tap my index finger insistently on the edge of the sink, irritably, trying to drown out whatever was going through my head. The deliberate slow pulse that I seemed to be all the more aware of. The veins in my wrists blue and prominent, too full. So full, it wouldn't make a difference, would it? Just a little relief. That's all.
You made a promise. You made several promises. No more.
It's not that easy.
Why not? Just don't pick it up, don't do it. It'll go away. Simple.
Not simple at all.
What about Maddie? The baby?
What about Rowan? Poppy? Gideon? Erin?
They're dead. Focus on life. You know, that thing you're living.
What if I'd rather not...?
Then go for it. No one's stopping you.
I close my eyes very tightly, feeling slightly dizzy, more nauseous than before.
That's what I thought.
Fine, don't do it to kill. Just a little bit of relief. It makes it better. It always does.
It's like shooting up and you know it. It works the first time and it's never the same the times after that. This isn't going to go away. Deal with it like a normal person.
You're not a normal person. You have me. Normal people don't have someone else inside their head, Ian.
I sink down on the floor, leaning my forehead against the cold sink and keeping my eyes screwed up tightly, Rowan's voice now firmly repeating itself in my ears so it drowned everything else out, I know that it's hard, and I know sometimes you can't cope, but doing this to yourself is wrong, you've got to stop. You've got to stop.
I close my eyes, face creasing up slightly in the effort to stay together, then just give up, putting my head in my hands and trying desperately to ignore the fact that tears were rolling down my face.
