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Post by Madeline Speare on Oct 12, 2007 23:03:20 GMT
"Because I screwed up okay?" I say, finally looking up at him,"Cos I fucked up, not you. for once it is not your fault, I'm the one who lost control and now it's my burden, isn't it? Well I'm sorry, I'm sorry for fucking messing everything up, I'm fucking sorry for not taking care of our son, and I'm fucking sorry for not telling you I was married. That's all I can fucking say, and I swear to god, if you say sorry one more time, I think I will actually go insane."
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Post by Ian Hunt on Oct 13, 2007 20:25:55 GMT
"Well what would you like to me to say? What's going to make this better?"
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Post by Madeline Speare on Oct 13, 2007 21:09:29 GMT
"I don't want you to say anything! I just...just.."I stop, not even sure what I was going to say.
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Post by Ian Hunt on Oct 13, 2007 21:13:14 GMT
"What do you want? What am I supposed to do here?" What's going to make all of this go away again?
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Post by Madeline Speare on Oct 13, 2007 21:23:08 GMT
"This isn't just going to go away you know? We're kind of fucked, unless we talk about this."
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Post by Ian Hunt on Oct 13, 2007 21:24:12 GMT
What would you like me to fucking talk about?
"So talk."
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Post by Madeline Speare on Oct 13, 2007 21:27:27 GMT
I groan in frustation, running a hand through my hair, biting down on my lip,"Just, forget it, there's no use talking to you."
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Post by Ian Hunt on Oct 13, 2007 21:32:53 GMT
Because I'm a complete fucking idiot, right?
"There's no...there's nothing I can do here, is there? You're not going to talk, you won't accept an apology, there's absolutely nothing I can do, is there?"
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Post by Madeline Speare on Oct 14, 2007 4:24:12 GMT
"I don't want you to apologize 'cos you've done nothing wrong." I mutter.
"What do you want me to do here Ian? I just want to make it better, but your not going to let me? All I can say is I'm sorry, I fucked up. I can't go back in time, and stop myself from doing it. But if that's what you want me to do, fine. I'll go get a time turner from Dumbledore, I'll stop myself from making a huge mistake, I'll make myself eat so not to kill our son, I'll do anything just to make it better. I regret what I did, I do but what's done is done. I just want you to stop hating me and actually look at me." I stop, tugging on my jacket,"I know you say that you don't hate me, but you sure as hell don't love me as much as you did. I don't want this whole, quite, I'm not mad when I'm actually hating you right now thing, if your mad tell me, yell at me, do something other then just shrug your shoulders and look at the fucking ground."
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Post by Ian Hunt on Oct 14, 2007 13:27:43 GMT
"I'm not going to lose control," I reply bluntly, "Ever again. I'm angry, I'm fucking mad as hell and I don't understand-...why, how, you could do that. I don't hate you, but sometimes I wish I could. And you're right, I'm finding it hard to love you as much as I did and I'm not sure I can manage. But shouting, is going to serve no purpose at all."
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Post by Madeline Speare on Oct 14, 2007 17:24:49 GMT
"What good is bottling everything upside going to do?" I ask, running a hand through my hair, blinking rapidly, trying to stop the angry tears that were threatening to fall.
"I am giving you options here, if you don't want this kid, fine. I can do it myself, just 'cos I'm pregnant, doesn't mean you have to stay, I'm not forcing you to, I'm trying to make everyone happy, even if it's not working. I don't know why I did it, I just did. You don't think straight in a time of panic, and you know that. I don't..I don't know why you have to give me just a hard time about this when you know what I'm going through."
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Post by Ian Hunt on Oct 14, 2007 17:31:38 GMT
I have no idea what you're fucking going through. I have no idea what I'm going through. I have no idea who I am half the time.
I tangle a hand frustratedly in my hair, trying not to reply heatedly, despite the many bitter responses that were immediately coming to mind, "I don't..." I say quietly, "I don't know."
Don't know what?
I just don't know. Don't know anything.
Oh, you're going to break. I knew it. I told you. I told you you couldn't keep any of this up.
Shut up.
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Post by Madeline Speare on Oct 14, 2007 17:34:18 GMT
"I just.." I stop, taking a deep breath before continuing,"I just thought out of everyone, you'd be the one person who was always there for me. Guess I was wrong."
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Post by Ian Hunt on Oct 14, 2007 17:39:35 GMT
"Don't-..." I say quietly.
She's right. Well done, you've done it again.
I said, shut up.
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Post by Madeline Speare on Oct 14, 2007 17:45:26 GMT
"Was I wrong?" I ask quitely after a moment,"Was I wrong to think that?"
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Post by Ian Hunt on Oct 14, 2007 17:48:39 GMT
"No," I say quietly, "I'm still here, aren't I?"
Here but not at the same time. Lot of use that is.
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Post by Madeline Speare on Oct 14, 2007 17:51:03 GMT
"No your not, not all of you." I mutter,"Your not the same guy I fell in love with, where's he?"
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Post by Ian Hunt on Oct 14, 2007 17:56:29 GMT
Dead. Missing without leave and no intention of coming back. Hiding. I don't know.
I shake my head slightly, not having a reply to put into words.
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Post by Madeline Speare on Oct 14, 2007 18:02:18 GMT
"Ian.." I say softly, walking towards him, gently taking his hand,"We need help."
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Post by Ian Hunt on Oct 14, 2007 18:26:33 GMT
I nearly jump as she takes hold of my hand, not expecting it, "What kind of help?" I mutter.
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Post by Madeline Speare on Oct 14, 2007 18:29:47 GMT
I see his reaction, dropping his hand,"Help, Jack's help." I mutter.
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Post by Ian Hunt on Oct 14, 2007 18:37:20 GMT
"Jack's help? What's he going to do?"
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Post by Madeline Speare on Oct 14, 2007 18:39:08 GMT
"Says we're a bit messed up in the head, he can help."
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Post by Ian Hunt on Oct 14, 2007 18:42:29 GMT
Beyond help. I don't want to be analysed anymore.
You've not got a choice this time.
And what if someone realises how fucked up you are? How sick you really are?
And the alternative is...what?
"Fine," I mumble.
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Post by Madeline Speare on Oct 14, 2007 18:45:25 GMT
"You don't have to if you don't want to," I mutter, jamming my hands into my pockets,"I'm going to, not gonna keep going like this."
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Post by Ian Hunt on Oct 14, 2007 18:47:21 GMT
"No, I should," I mutter, then add grudgingly, "I need help too."
You're an idiot, Ian.
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Post by Madeline Speare on Oct 14, 2007 18:49:42 GMT
I nod, then hesitatingly, take his hand,"We're in this together,"
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Post by Ian Hunt on Oct 14, 2007 18:51:28 GMT
"Our blood, our bond," I say after a moment, keeping hold of her hand.
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Post by Madeline Speare on Oct 14, 2007 19:00:23 GMT
"Our blood, our bond." I agree, lacing my fingers with his.
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Post by Ian Hunt on Oct 14, 2007 19:02:39 GMT
I try and smile weakly but don't quite manage, so just look back at the floor again.
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