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Post by Madeline Speare on Oct 7, 2007 19:19:07 GMT
"I just don't know what to do, I want to make it better so bad." I mumble into my hands.
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Post by Ian Hunt on Oct 7, 2007 19:21:47 GMT
"It can't-...it can't just be better, it just doesn't work that way," I say after a moment.
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Post by Madeline Speare on Oct 7, 2007 19:24:45 GMT
"And why not?" I ask,"I said I was sorry, I said I'd never do it again, I'm not lying or keeping anything from you? Why not?"
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Post by Ian Hunt on Oct 7, 2007 19:33:04 GMT
"Because I can't-...look, you can forgive, fine. I find it a lot harder, alright? I find people and relating to people a lot more difficult than you do, and this is really fucked in case you hadn't noticed."
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Post by Madeline Speare on Oct 7, 2007 19:38:03 GMT
I run a frustrated hand though my hair, blinking away the tears that had formed.
Fucking hormones. I think bitterly.
"It's not fair though, after everything..." I pause, trying to keep my voice steady,"After everything you put me through, I'm always there for you, and now what, I make one little mistake and your gonna be mad at me forever?"
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Post by Ian Hunt on Oct 7, 2007 19:43:33 GMT
"I'm not going to be mad at you forever. And I know it's not fair, it's just...it's how it is. I can't deal, okay? You're pregnant again, well right, how long before this one's dead? Huh? Married, well fucking brilliant, that's just another something to add to everything that's just fucking brilliant. And hey, suicide, well wonderful. Just fucking wonderful. It's not your fault, none of it's your fault, it's just this is all fucked and I think I've gone slightly insane so I'm just going to shut up now."
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Post by Madeline Speare on Oct 7, 2007 19:52:10 GMT
"Well it fucking looks like it. And I don't know, if it helps, which it probably won't I'm three and a half months along, which is a month and a half more then the last one. Oh I'm just suppose to fucking know if he's actually dead or not? Haven't heard from the fucker in eight months, I thought he was dead! Or at least in jail where he fucking belongs, and it's an arranged marriage, not like I fucking love the guy. Don't you dare talk about suicide 'cos I'm the one who's tried it more then once. I'm not saying that it's not my fault, 'cos some of it is. And your going crazy? What about me? It's all not about you, you know. Other peoples lives are fucked too."
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Post by Ian Hunt on Oct 7, 2007 19:56:54 GMT
"I never said I was the only who's in a fucked up place right now. But the other people, that's not my problem, it's theirs. Just like your problems are yours. And mine are mine. And that's that. And to be perfectly honest, I really can't be fucking bothered with this right now," I shrug and turn round, deciding to just go and walk around for a few more hours.
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Post by Madeline Speare on Oct 7, 2007 19:59:15 GMT
"Oh my god, I cannot believe you are doing this now. I can not believe you!" I mutter, putting my face back into my hands.
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Post by Ian Hunt on Oct 7, 2007 20:01:04 GMT
I don't reply, wanting to stop and turn back round and apologise but quite unable to.
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Post by Madeline Speare on Oct 7, 2007 20:02:31 GMT
I shake my head, eyes fixed on the floor,"Just a little help, all I'm asking for."
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Post by Ian Hunt on Oct 7, 2007 20:06:32 GMT
I stop and sigh, running my hand through my hair, "I know. I just don't know how to help you."
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Post by Madeline Speare on Oct 7, 2007 20:09:29 GMT
"Big surprise, can't even help myself, don't expect you too." I mutter, pushing my hair back over my shoulder.
"Just..-just lie to me and tell me I'll be okay. I'll be better."
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Post by Ian Hunt on Oct 7, 2007 20:12:10 GMT
"I don't want to lie to you, so we'll have to make it turn out to be true if I say it, okay?"
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Post by Madeline Speare on Oct 7, 2007 20:14:57 GMT
"What that I'm not going to get better? I don't want to feel like this anymore. I don't want to feel bad about myself, I don't want to have to lie to my cousin when she asks why everyone in the family is here and we're all sad, I don't want to lie to Poppy when she asks why I'm crying after I put her down for her nap, I don't want that."
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Post by Ian Hunt on Oct 7, 2007 20:19:05 GMT
"I know," I say quietly, "I can't make it better. I can't fix this. I can only help, if you tell me how you need help."
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Post by Madeline Speare on Oct 7, 2007 20:23:52 GMT
"That's just it, I don't know!" I mutter into my hands,"I don't know, and I hate that, I've never felt this helpless before, I just want it to stop, I'm at my wits end here." I brush away the few tears threatening to fall.
"He won't leave me alone, he's mad. Really mad."
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Post by Ian Hunt on Oct 7, 2007 20:26:23 GMT
"I can't do this anymore! I can't! It won't go away!"
A slight shudder runs through me at the familiar gist of her words. I try and speak but then just close my mouth again and shake my head slightly.
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Post by Madeline Speare on Oct 7, 2007 20:29:38 GMT
I shake my head, pulling my jacket closer around.
"I'm just going to have to deal with it aren't I? Falling apart is going to make anything better." I mumble.
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Post by Ian Hunt on Oct 7, 2007 20:31:33 GMT
"I don't think you've got a choice," I say quietly.
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Post by Madeline Speare on Oct 7, 2007 20:37:02 GMT
You always have a choice..
Not on this I don't,
I nod, eyes stinging slightly."Okay, okay."
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Post by Ian Hunt on Oct 7, 2007 20:38:56 GMT
I remain silent, just nod slightly.
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Post by Madeline Speare on Oct 7, 2007 20:40:05 GMT
"So are you mad about the baby thing?" I ask quietly after a moment.
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Post by Ian Hunt on Oct 7, 2007 20:42:09 GMT
I shake my head slightly, unable to find words.
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Post by Madeline Speare on Oct 7, 2007 20:43:23 GMT
"I'm guessing your not happy about it either."
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Post by Ian Hunt on Oct 7, 2007 20:45:20 GMT
"Well, I don't really know at the moment. It's not exactly good timing, is it?"
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Post by Madeline Speare on Oct 7, 2007 20:46:57 GMT
"No, but when would have it been good timing? We're not good with kids, least I'm not."
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Post by Ian Hunt on Oct 7, 2007 20:48:31 GMT
"I don't know, probably never," I mutter, "And you're not the only one that's not good with kids."
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Post by Madeline Speare on Oct 7, 2007 20:50:27 GMT
"Exactly, we're pretty much stuck." I mutter running a hand through my hair.
"Yeah, well your not the one having it. Besides, it'll just go great when it's comes out, 'Hey, your daddy hates your mum'." I mutter sarcastically.
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Post by Ian Hunt on Oct 7, 2007 20:54:09 GMT
"I don't hate you," I mutter.
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