peaceful (Ian)

[Arden Patricks]

I remember to suck in a breath after a moment, and shake my head, biting my lip.
"Are you okay?" I ask after a moment, skipping the 'I'm sorry' bit for once.

[Ian Hunt]

"No," I reply without thinking about it.
There's really no point in saying I am if she won't believe me. There won't be anything she can say to make it okay anyway. No matter what my answer was.

[Arden Patricks]

I nod, somewhat surprised by the honesty but not really. And then all that I can think of to say is, 'I'm sorry.' So I stay silent again.

[Ian Hunt]

I sigh quietly, keeping my eyes fixed on the sky outside the window.
I'd known there would be nothing she could say, but I guess maybe I'd hoped there would be something. Anything.

[Arden Patricks]

After a moment of staring rather depressedly out the window, I decide that I really should say something, rejecting several possibilities before deciding that nothing I possibly can say will be tactful enough, and nothing can make it better.
"How?" I ask finally, looking up.

[Ian Hunt]

"I killed her," I answer, still looking out of the window.
I don't have the energy to lie. I'm fully prepared for her to run away.

[Arden Patricks]

I freeze, definitely forgetting to breathe properly for a moment as I stare at him. It seems to take a long time for my brain to start working again, but even when it does I can't make myself move. The only thing I can think of is 'why?' but I can't even imagine finding the ability to actually say it.

[Ian Hunt]

I don't look at her, I don't need to. She's horrified, disgusted by my mere existance...I'm sure of it. And I don't blame her.
What sort of man kills their best friend? Let alone their best friend who's just become a mother, who has been there for him through so much?
Not a decent man for sure.
I remind myself I had no choice, I keep reminding myself. But I keep thinking that it would have been eaiser if I'd just killed myself when I had the chance. Then none of this would have happened. Even taking my own life is something I don't deserve anymore. It doesn't hold any point anymore.
I keep my eyes fixed on the sky, "Do you think there's a heaven?"
The question is rhetorical. It's not a distraction technique either. It was just an innocent question that occurred to me thinking of Row. I think that if there's a heaven, that's where she'd be right now.

[Arden Patricks]

It takes me a moment to realize he's just asked me a question, and I shake my head quickly, eyes closed, to be sure I've got it right. "I... don't know," I say, voice shaking slightly. "I... why?"

[Ian Hunt]

"She's there," I say it with such conviction even though I don't believe it exists that it leaves no room for doubt in my mind. That is where Row is so really what I've done is okay. She won't hurt anymore.
I know this is pathetic. I need to stop trying to justify it to myself. This will never be justified.
"I'm going to hell," I tell her conversationally, and although I've long accepted this that if there is a hell that is where I'll be going, my sudden realisation that there must be heaven because that is where Row is means that there must be hell which is where I'm going. This means I'll never see her again.
I think you've cracked... The voice in the back of my head wheedles. I'm not sure if the voice in the back of my head is Ian or Christopher because I don't know who's in control at the moment. But I do think that whoever it is has a point.
I think I've most definitely cracked.

[Arden Patricks]

I nod slowly, eying him carefully and wondering when in the last few minutes he suddenly lost his mind, or else how I didn't notice for the minutes before that. I can't imagine any way to argue with him on either point, and realize I don't really want to... much.
"Why would you do that?" I ask again, quietly. "I... I thought.... Didn't you say...." I shake my head.

[Ian Hunt]

I pause for a moment, closing my eyes and attempting to draw my mind back together again.
It seems I've been suffering from temporary bouts of insanity, where my mind shatters and the pieces fly outwards until I force them back together again.
Visualising this seems to help me, so that's what I do.
When I manage to speak again, my voice has regained it's sanity, or what little sanity it held in the first place and I can open my eyes without feeling that they might fall out for some reason, "Logan."

[Arden Patricks]

I bite my lip hard, feeling almost physically pained by that answer and so needing to actually be in physical pain. Should've expected that.
I shake my head. "And... why... why would he...?" Pieces are falling into place even as I speak, however, and I feel a rush of relief that at least Ian is still who I thought he was.
And so is Logan, really. You just keep forgetting that.

[Ian Hunt]

"Morgan had Will's child," I say it so simply, as if this is so obvious. To me it is, even if it sounds like a bad muggle television program. I know how Logan's mind works, and I'm pretty sure that she does if she really cares to think about it.
It makes sense. Morgan and Will have a bastard half blood child, Will is Logan's brother, therefore the child is related to Logan by blood. The blood is less than pure therefore the threat to his name must be eliminated.
I guess he must have thought that if Morgan were dead, Erin would just die on her own. He must have counted on me leaving her there.
I feel a vicious stab of satisfaction that he's lost. Well, half-lost.

[Arden Patricks]

I glance over at him quickly, remembering that... shaking my head hard because remembering that reminds me of the contexts I know it from - my conversation with Morgan itself, and the lovely chat with Logan that made him kill Rowan and Poppy. But it sort of makes sense, in a way.
"And... is... did...." I really don't want to ask this part, but I really have to know. I swallow hard and try to ask again what happened to her kid, in that case... but I decide that I don't want to know quite that much.

[Ian Hunt]

"Erin is fine," I reply softly, "I still don't know what to do with her. But she's safe at the moment."
Yes, safe. With you. The person who's killed both her parents. Very safe Ian...
Did no one ever tell you sarcasm was wasted on your own subconscious?
I frown slightly, but keep my gaze firmly out of the window. I can't look at her yet.

[Arden Patricks]

I close my eyes, letting out a deep breath in relief... then frown slightly. "That was poorly planned out on Logan's part then," I say slowly, then shake my head. "Not that that's exactly the important thing here."
Yeah, the important thing here is that you're calmly discussing the murder of a friend's friend by that said friend....
I shake my head again, biting my lip. "Does she have any other family?" I ask softly.

[Ian Hunt]

"I guess he didn't think I'd take her with me," I reply quietly, then laugh wryly, "He knew me too well. He just doesn't know me now."
"She has her grandparents," I say after a moment, "But I don't think Row would want that. And I don't think they'd want Erin either. I'm trying to find someone else. But I'm her Godfather, so at the moment she's with me."

[Arden Patricks]

I nod, drawing a blank as I try to think of what else to do with a small baby when you really don't want to just stick her someplace random. "Is... there anything I can do?" I ask.

[Ian Hunt]

"No," I say simply.
I wish there was, if there was actually any help I could take, I wouldn't have hesitated about accepting it for once. But for once, there is no help available. This is extremely depressing.

[Arden Patricks]

I stare at the ground, really hating that answer. There's got to be something....
"I'm sorry," I say after a moment, shrugging, not really sure if I'm apologizing or offering condolences for once, and if so for what.

[Ian Hunt]

"I should be the one who's sorry," I say after a heartbeats pause.

[Arden Patricks]

"I'm kind of getting the feeling you already are," I shrug. "And... you couldn't do anything...." I add, despite the fact I'm not at all sure of that since I don't know all the facts.

[Ian Hunt]

"If I'd done away with myself then I could have saved her," The thought has been bugging me for a while now. I know that if I could redo this, then I would pick taking my own life. It's win-win really. And at least it would be suicide for a noble cause rather than just suicide for the sake of depression.
Maybe if I'd suceeded that time, this would all be different. Despite Maddie's constant reassurances of 'I'm glad you're still here' I'm really not glad that I'm still here.

[Arden Patricks]

I bite my lip again, then shake my head. "Not necessarily. You think he would have just let her live? And at least you saved the baby." But it's pretty near impossible to argue with guilt and what-ifs.

[Ian Hunt]

"No," I sigh, having to admit that. Of course he wouldn't let her live and he'd make it painful. I'd done it quickly at least.

[Arden Patricks]

For a moment I don't know what he's replying to, but then I nod, not saying anything else.

[Ian Hunt]

"I'm sorry," I force a weak smile, "Me bringing down conversations again."

[Arden Patricks]

I shake my head. "Perfectly understandable... it would be a little stupid, and kind of disrespectful, to chat idly about nothing instead."

[Ian Hunt]

"I suppose you're right. I'm just sort of regretting the depressing streak that most...well, all of our conversations seem to have."