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Post by Arden Patricks on Jan 17, 2008 15:43:07 GMT
I sit exactly where and how I did the night that Andra died – sideways in the windowsill, looking out at the grounds. But tonight I feel peaceful rather than shredded, and the drop doesn’t look so inviting. I eye it again to make sure, carefully shaking my head as I come up with the answer.
Nope… I believe I’m pretty okay, at the moment, with being alive.
It’s been a pretty weird sort of week or two, and of course sometimes that’s not been the case. But right now I feel content, and the few small things that bother me don’t seem that big a deal. There’s the whole weird thing with Riley that’s just all in my head. And of course I still miss Andra in a constant, painful way. I’ve been worried about other friends but, so far as I know at the moment, things are looking up for most of them. And I’ve given up on Logan, though it hurts to do that, too, because I think I finally remember and/or have decided who I am.
And my brother tried to kill me, a bitter voice reminds me, and I frown. Well, yeah, there is that.
I’m still half-convinced that I actually a dead, or incredibly delusional. And whether that’s the truth or whether it all really happened, I do have to admit that I am bothered.
You got hit with the killing curse just a couple days ago just after being told that you two used to be good friends… and you ‘have to admit that you’re bothered’? Of course you’re somewhat bothered!
And then there’s the matter of the sister I had never known I had… found murdered in her room just a few short hours after I returned fro my own ‘death.’ I’m pretty sure I know who the culprit is, but I haven’t said anything – it’s kind of hard to do that when I don’t want to admit what happened to me. I wasn’t missing as long as I’d thought, and so I’d managed to evade all the angry questions about where the hell I was. So only he and I knew that, by rights, I should be dead. It’s a pretty scary thought, and helps reinforce the doubts and unreality of everything. Lilith is pretty upset though, about Trisha… she’d been the one to tell me… and I don’t want to mess her up more.
I shake my head a bit, frowning slightly in annoyance at the bitter voice for shattering some of my peace. But I know it’s just a voice from the back of my head, that’s been trying to break through for hours and would have eventually. I let a breath out slowly, deciding that I really might as well deal with it since I can’t seem to shut myself up any longer.
And then I jump in surprise, having to catch myself against the bottom of the windowsill before I fall accidentally – Now there’s a good way to go – so caught up in my thoughts that I hadn’t noticed the door opening.
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Post by Ian Hunt on Jan 18, 2008 20:38:42 GMT
The walk up the stairs seems incredibly long as I'm caught up in numerous different thoughts at once.
I've been thinking a lot because I've had a lot of time to myself lately. What with Maddie being locked up in St Mungo's after her hacking up her arms and Alex staying with some member of her family or another. I've had a very long time to myself to think and recently I seem to be unable to stop thinking.
I have a lot of things to make sense of.
Most importantly there is the fact that my girlfriend has tried to kill herself. Again. It is all the more disturbing to be the one to find her bleeding in the shower. But I can't allow myself to dwell on that too much.
Then there's Alex. And I don't even know, or for that matter, care where he is. And I know that I should very much care but for some reason it's not mattering to me anymore.
There's Erin...the baby Erin. Who I cannot get to calm down. She knows, she already knows she's going to be fucked up for life, just like I was.
And then the most painful, pressing concern, even over Maddie's suicide attempt, is Row. She was very very small, so tiny, but she clung to me so tightly. Her hair smelt like something I didn't recognise and she was shaking with fear. It will stay with me, I know. Although I don't think it's sunk in fully because it doesn't hurt as much as it should.
This is why I reach the tower in a daze. My head hurts. My head always hurts now. And I am still angry, it's an anger I can't shake off. And it scares me. Because I don't think I should feel so angry and hate people for no reason. It's a bitter feeling I recognise too well and it's a feeling that I will always associate with Christopher.
I suppress a shudder, stopping in the doorway as I see Arden in the windowsill.
She looks like she wants company as much as I do.
"Sorry," I mutter.
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Post by Arden Patricks on Jan 18, 2008 20:43:17 GMT
I shake my head quickly, denying that there's anything to be sorry for, though I'm not sure whether I'm relieved or not that it's someone I know, or if it's all just indifferent.
Well... there goes thinking.
But I shake my head at that as well because he's not really looking his cheeriest, and really my thoughts are not that important. So I tilt my head at him, frowning slightly. "You okay?"
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Post by Ian Hunt on Jan 18, 2008 20:58:11 GMT
"Yeah, I'm doing good," I smile.
Well, that was a blatant lying.
I've had enough of self-pity and complaining.
"You don't look so good though. You alright?"
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Post by Arden Patricks on Jan 18, 2008 21:26:43 GMT
"Yeah, I'm fine," I say, shaking my head quickly, deciding I believe him.
You worry too much, Arden.
Then I pause. "Well... actually, I think I'm dead. But other than that I'm fine."
And you like being cryptic. Maybe you should stop that.
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Post by Ian Hunt on Jan 18, 2008 21:47:16 GMT
"You don't really look dead to me," I tell her with a slight shrug.
Or you could just be stoned, Christopher. It's entirely possible.
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Post by Arden Patricks on Jan 18, 2008 21:52:55 GMT
"Yeah... I don't really feel dead, either. But I know what the killing curse sounds like, and...." I pause. You really can't ever keep a secret, can you? "And by rights I should be dead. Either that or I'm delusional or maybe this is the afterlife or something. It's been a weird couple of days."
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Post by Ian Hunt on Jan 18, 2008 21:59:53 GMT
"I'm pretty sure this isn't the afterlife," I reassure her, although I'm not entirely sure this is the case.
I think that if I was thinking straight and all there rather than off my head on a mix of adrenaline, nicotine and anti-depressants, her words might have more of an impact straight away.
But then they sink through my skull and settle in my numbed brain and I actually take in what she's said.
"Wait, killing curse? What the fuck?"
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Post by Arden Patricks on Jan 18, 2008 22:06:12 GMT
I glance down, immediately wishing I could have kept my mouth shut.
You're a self-conscious attention whore, Arden. Bound to be a little contradictory.
"... Yes." I shrug, trying to seem casual. Then decide it doesn't matter because I can be evasive. "Anyway, what have you been up to?"
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Post by Ian Hunt on Jan 18, 2008 22:10:13 GMT
"No way, you're not tricking me out of an explanation," I reply wryly, or as wryly as I can manage, "Who did the killing curse on you? Why did they do it? Why aren't you dead?"
I realise this last question is even less tactful than the first two, but I can't think of a way to ask that is particularly non-offensive.
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Post by Arden Patricks on Jan 18, 2008 22:13:55 GMT
I wince very slightly and give a mildly exasperated sigh, not that I expected to get away with it.
"It was Fitzy, I don't know, and... I don't know. The last one especially. Half of me's convinced it was a really weird dream, because I know that's just not possible...." I shrug.
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Post by Ian Hunt on Jan 18, 2008 22:15:20 GMT
"Fitzy?" I frown, then shake my head, saying with undisguised incredulity, "Fitzy did that? And I'm sure it's entirely possible, if he didn't mean it. You wake up with a scar? It usually leaves a scar."
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Post by Arden Patricks on Jan 18, 2008 22:20:41 GMT
I bite my lip, and put a hand to the side of my neck, thoughtfully. "I thought that seemed kind of new.... What do you mean, usually? And why so surprised?" I laugh slightly. "Personally, I've been expecting something like this, after all his... 'let's be friends' chats." I shake my head at my own idiocy.
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Post by Ian Hunt on Jan 18, 2008 22:24:42 GMT
"Well, I mean..." I shrug, "Logan and Rowan...both had it cast on them before without the caster meaning it. They both had scars. I think. I don't really remember so well but I seem to recall."
"He seemed genuinely concerned about you when he spoke to me..." I tell her, then trail off seeing as this probably isn't something to discuss with someone when their brother has just tried to kill them.
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Post by Arden Patricks on Jan 18, 2008 22:29:33 GMT
I nod, absorbing that with a surprising amount of relief. Well at least it makes sense now... other than the idea that he didn't mean it. I frown, feeling unusually sarcastic. "Well, according to him we used to be quite good friends, so I suppose that makes sense," I say bitingly, then wince. "Sorry... if anything, you should yell at me a bit. I'm sure if I told them what happened Chance and Andrew would quite like to, so by rights I should be yelled at several times. I... was kind of an idiot."
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Post by Ian Hunt on Jan 18, 2008 22:30:54 GMT
"I'm not going to yell at you," I shake my head.
For your own sake.
I decide this time the voice is probably right. Because if I start yelling at anyone for anything I now know from experience that I won't be able to stop.
"How were you an idiot?"
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Post by Arden Patricks on Jan 18, 2008 22:36:00 GMT
I shrug, taking a deep breath to brace myself in case he changes his mind. "I got a cryptic sort of note, supposedly from Logan... if it had been anyone else I wouldn't have gone, but he's weird like that so I thought it might really be him. And instead it was Fitzy and I ought to be dead but only am not, apparently, through some weird fluke." I shrug again, feeling guilty.
I deserve to be yelled at... ought to be more careful.
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Post by Ian Hunt on Jan 18, 2008 22:38:42 GMT
"That's not your fault. You were just...a little too trusting, I suppose," I shrug, "You can't be blamed for that."
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Post by Arden Patricks on Jan 18, 2008 22:40:29 GMT
I shake my head, determined to argue. "Ought to be more careful... I can't do anything stupid."
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Post by Ian Hunt on Jan 18, 2008 22:43:51 GMT
"No, you shouldn't do anything stupid, but you still will. Everyone does stupid things. Trying to exempt yourself from that rule is pointless and frustrating and it won't work."
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Post by Arden Patricks on Jan 18, 2008 22:50:51 GMT
"Guess so," I shrug. "I should still have been more careful... but it made sense at the time." I pause, frowning slightly, then shrug again. "So what have you been up to? Anything stupid?" I ask, only half-joking, half-worried.
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Post by Ian Hunt on Jan 18, 2008 22:57:10 GMT
I decide there's no point in arguing with her.
I start to answer her question however, when I try to say too many things at once and give up with a soft sigh, "Eh, I'm just stupid in general. Of course I've been doing stupid things lately."
I pause, thinking of something else to say to avoid any questions that might follow, "You don't happen to have a light do you?"
I keep my eyes away from hers as I fumble in my pocket for a cigarette.
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Post by Arden Patricks on Jan 18, 2008 23:01:45 GMT
I shake my head. "Sorry." Probably couldn't breathe if you were smoking next to me anyway.
I watch him carefully, trying to decide whether to ask about the stupid things, but deciding to pick up on the fact he clearly doesn't want to talk about them, whatever they are.
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Post by Ian Hunt on Jan 18, 2008 23:06:31 GMT
"I'm quitting anyway," I sigh slightly, putting it back in my pocket again, "Been quitting for nearly a year now."
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Post by Arden Patricks on Jan 18, 2008 23:10:08 GMT
"Well... good things take time...." I mutter. Then I'm not sure what else to say. "Anything up with you that you would like to talk about, besides the stupid things?"
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Post by Ian Hunt on Jan 18, 2008 23:14:23 GMT
"You know what though? I don't even want to fucking quit," I close my eyes a moment against the torrent of bitterness, "It's for Maddie."
I fall silent after this for a moment, then decide I really can't actually keep it inside for much longer. But it comes out as sounding more pathetic than in the angry form that I'm thinking it.
"I try so hard," I mutter, "To make sure she's okay. I can't even fucking do that right. That is stupid. That is pure stupidity on my part. I leave her alone for five minutes...five minutes...when I know she's upset. And..." I make a helpless sort of gesture, looking out of the window because it's easier to say it to nothing than to say it to her.
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Post by Arden Patricks on Jan 18, 2008 23:19:56 GMT
I wince visibly, biting my lip, guessing the rest and stifling my first impulse to ask, 'is she all right?' I'm not sure what to say, however, other than that, and so I keep quiet until I decide that maybe silence is the best option anyway.
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Post by Ian Hunt on Jan 19, 2008 10:36:19 GMT
"And then there's Alex. I don't even know where the fuck he is. Away from me. With her family somewhere. So I can't go and see him without risking injury," I continue at a bitter mutter, not even caring if she's listening anymore.
It just feels good to be saying these things out loud rather than just wandering around at home and thinking them.
"And Row-..." My voice disappears and I can't bring myself to say this out loud. I don't need to say this one out loud because it won't feel any better if I do or not.
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Post by Arden Patricks on Jan 19, 2008 14:45:54 GMT
I grimace sympathetically down at my knees, just letting him talk... but looking up startledly when he breaks off like that. My first thought is something to do with Rowan, but that doesn't make sense. And then I remember that, confusingly, he seems to have the same nickname for two of the closest people in his life. I'd deliberately thought of her as Morgan because of that, because 'Row' made me think 'Rowan'....
"Cheery but in a not annoying way... cool." "Yes, helpful and thinky. That is what you are."
I shake my head quickly, getting rid of the remembered words but already feeling slightly pale.
You don't know that it's that bad, and anyway you barely know or knew her.
"What happened to Morgan?" I ask cautiously, voice not sounding quite right.
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Post by Ian Hunt on Jan 19, 2008 19:58:05 GMT
"She's dead," My voice sounds tight and strained and it's a struggle to get the words out.
It still surprises me that nobody knows it. I don't see how nobody can notice that the world is suddenly just a little bit darker having lost one of it's few assets.
I'm glad that I've managed to control my tear ducts which seem to have gotten past the need to work overtime whenever I think about it. Crying in itself is bad enough, let alone in front of other people.
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