Drunk

[Nathan Dawson]

Nathan stumbled heavily through the unlocked door to Speare Mansion. He wasn't sure who'd left it unlocked, but he was glad they had because if it was locked he doubted he could have got in. Not when he was like this.
He could smell the alcohol on his own breath, too much of it. But also too much for him to care anymore.
He flung his shoulder into the door so hard as he stumbled that it banged loudly against the interior wall, shattering the still silence of the night air. He wasn't sure what time it was, but it was dark and cold and he was pretty sure it was very late.
His eyes snapped into a bleary sort of focus on the hall landing, and he slumped inside, head tilted at an angle because of the effort it took to keep completely upright. Then he tripped over thin air, and had to lean heavily against the wall for a moment before righting himself.
"Oi!" He roared into the house, his voice was wavering and he wasn't sure why. He hated himself when he was drunk, he hated that he got upset and angry and violent, but he couldn't help it, and he couldn't care right now. Not at all.
"OI!" He roared louder, receiving no response the first time.
He wasn't sure what he was looking for. He remembered vaguely, sitting alone in his room with firewhisky and stewing bitterly about Noah and Jack and Keira, and he remembered vaguely how Kaleb's name often frequented in his thought process and his wand was near enough burning in his pocket and all these thoughts jumbled together into a hazy desire to cause, in his eyes, the sole cause of his brother's death as much pain as possible.
Not that he'd be able to right now, but he felt invincible. The alcohol had made him so. And he would not leave until he felt alright again, until everything was alright again. He wouldn't leave until then.
"OI!" He bellowed into the silence for a third time.

[Madeline Speare]

"Jesus Fucking Christ," I mutter, heading down the hall towards the stairs.
I was going to strangle whoever was yelling like a baboon downstairs, due to the facts it was a) 3 o'clock in the fucking morning b) I was not a morning person whatsoever and most important I had just gotten the baby to stop crying and I was in no mood to stay up another three hours to get him to stop again.
"Nathan!" I hiss from the top of the stairs,"What in Merlin's name is the matter with you?!"

[Nathan Dawson]

Nathan looked up groggily, eyes snapping into a limited sort of focus on the silhouette at the top of the stairs.
He recognised the voice though, even if it sounded dingy and distant to him, not quite filtering through so he couldn't be sure what she'd said.
He stumbled forward, lurching slightly and tripping on the bottom step as he tried to get to her, and then sat, rubbing his shin as it flared with pain on the second step up, cursing softly to himself.
Then he stopped, remembering where he was and what he was doing...sort of anyway.
"You!" He exclaimed, jerking an irate finger in her direction and stumbling back to his feet again, "I know you!"
There was no disguising the bitterness in his voice. She was an ally to Kaleb, like Chase. Her and Chase were tarnished now, tarnished with Kaleb. And Kaleb had become the enemy somewhere during the course of his drinking.

[Madeline Speare]

"Would you lower your voice?!" I hiss, watching him.
His movement and voice were slugish. No doubt he'd been drinking.
"Nathan what are you doing here?"

[Nathan Dawson]

"I got...I got..." He smacked his hands into his sides, looking for his pockets as he stood in the hall. He felt very small, staring up at her as she stood at the top of the stairs. Maybe it was his drunk state of mind, or maybe he really could see the light dancing around her, popping in front of his eyes.
"Noah..." He mumbled, the word had parted his lips almost sub-consciously, as his thoughts returned back to his twin. How he'd be laughing at him if he could see him, pathetically trying to find his pockets, or maybe he'd just be shaking his head, tutting, and finding him a glass of water like he usually did if Nate had too much to drink. No one for that now. His eyes started to sting, Noah, his family, his siblings, his parents...the thought train hurt too much so he just sunk down on the stairs.
"I got...letter..." He murmured absently, at last finding the letter he'd got by owl this morning and holding it up like a flag, "My mum and my Claire too. Like Noah. And they're gonna take away my Leney. And it's all...it's cos of Noah, cos he wasn't there, cos he's not here, if he was this wouldn't happen...it wouldn't...Kaleb..." His voice had risen while he was speaking, so he'd been shouting again by the time he'd run out of mutterings.

[Madeline Speare]

I felt my blood run cold as he mentioned Aunt Rose, Claire and Jackie.
I slowly took a step towards him, taking hold of his arm,"Natty." I mumble quietly.
Odd as it sounded I was making sense of all his crazy ramblings.
It was clear what happened, it was the same thing that had happend to me when my mum had died.

[Nathan Dawson]

"No..." He mumbled, shaking his arm lightly as she took hold of it. He didn't want her to touch him, he didn't want that. He wanted to hurt someone, he wanted to hurt Kaleb, because this was his fault. Because it was his fault Noah wasn't there. And because Noah wasn't there, death eaters had killed his mum and his sister. And because that had happened, people were going to take away his other sister and it wasn't fair and it was all because of Kaleb letting Noah die and now Maddie was touching him and Maddie was tainted with Kaleb and he didn't want to be tainted with Kaleb. Not at all.
After shaking his arm doesn't work, he tries to shove her away but fails and just falls over himself, landing hard on the cold floor of the hall.

[Madeline Speare]

I stop as he pulls his arm away. I'm speechless, Nate had never pushed me away before."Nathan, please." I mutter, trying to keep the desperation out of my voice.

[Nathan Dawson]

"Please what!?" He roared, all of a sudden losing the sort of miserable drunken dignity he'd managed to keep, "Please fucking what!?"
He glared up at her from the floor, those five words had taken a lot out of him. It felt that way anyway, he felt weary now.
"I'm so tired, Nate. I'm just tired of life," Charlie's voice was in the back of his head immediately, punctuated by that soft sigh he'd acquired lately, "I just don't have the energy to bother anymore."
His jaw clenched for seemingly no reason. He was desperate not to be that way too, although it was clear that was where he was heading.

[Madeline Speare]

I take a frighten step back from him, tears instantly forming in my eyes.
I suddenly felt like a child again, like I had just done something wrong and was bring scolded for it. Nathan had never yelled at me, never. It was something new completely, and I wasn't fond of it.

[Nathan Dawson]

"What the fuck are you looking at me like that for!?" He yelled, managing to get to his feet, half lurching away from her, "You're not a fucking child! You're a grown fucking woman so fucking grow up and stop looking like that!"

[Madeline Speare]

I look away, now it felt like I was younger back when I was with the Malfoy's, back when I was scared of everything.

[Nathan Dawson]

"Fucking..." He said loudly then realise he has nothing to follow this word because he doesn't know what he's talking about anymore.
So he slammed the side of his fist into the wall, keeping it there as he leant his forehead on his forearm, "Fuck."

[Madeline Speare]

A weak sob escapes my lips, and the transformation from seventeen year old to five year old is complete. I was shaking, and trying my hardest not to cry. We only yelled at each other when needed, other then that we never yelled at each other. Unless it was Nate and Noah who'd always starting bickering in they're brotherly way of theirs. Then it clicked. Noah.
That's why he was acting like this, it all made a bit more sense, but it didn't help me stop shaking.

[Nathan Dawson]

His face creased up of his own accord, a raw choking sob making a strangling noise in his throat as a few stray bitter tears slid down his face.
"Stop it," He mumbled into his arm, "Stop it, stop it, stop it! Fucking stop it!"
He wasn't sure if he was shouting at her or himself anymore.

[Madeline Speare]

I wasn't sure if he was yelling at me or himself. At the moment I didn't care.
Letting out another sob, along with a fear tears, I take another step back and away from him.

[Nathan Dawson]

"What the fuck is wrong with you?" He was looking at her, the yell was hoarse as it mingled with his sobs. He hadn't cried in a very long time.
He wasn't sure if it was her he was shouting at though, he still couldn't make up his mind, although he was pretty sure he was addressing himself now.
He didn't like her backing away from him, it made him feel less human. Like he was a monster now and he wasn't sure how he'd got this way.

[Madeline Speare]

Just let him keep yelling, he'll stop soon. I keep reapeating it over and over in my head. I wipe my eyes, trying to stop from crying, letting another heavy sob escape my lips.
A part of me wanted to yell at him, wanted to yell, 'Who are you?!' but I knew better. I learned by now when to keep my mouth shut.

[Nathan Dawson]

"Fuck!" He roared, aiming a hard kick at the wall and ignoring the pain it had blatantly caused him.
"What am I supposed to fucking do?" He yelled at her, "What the fuck do I fucking do now? Huh? Now fucking what?"

[Madeline Speare]

"Cry." I whispered it so quietly, I was amazed I could even hear it. I keep my gaze fixed on him, hands at my side.

[Nathan Dawson]

"I am fucking crying!" He bellowed, jerking an irritable hand to his face which was blotched with tears.
Although even he knew that there was a difference between crying because he was frustrated and angry like he was now, and crying because it was something he needed to do before he could move on and feel better.

[Madeline Speare]

"You know what you need to do Nathan," I say calmly, taking a step forward.

[Nathan Dawson]

"No! Fucking enlighten me, why don't you?" He shouted, rounding back on her again as she took a step forward.

[Madeline Speare]

"Why don't you fucking stop yelling at me and take a look at everyone around you?!" I yell back, temper getting the best of me,"Your not the only one suffering Nate! We are too! Cos that's what family is! We hurt together!"

[Nathan Dawson]

"Because I don't give a fuck about family anymore!" He roared.
He'd never expected the words to leave his mouth, but now they had he couldn't hold it back any longer.
"We are not a fucking normal family! Normal families do not hate each other and lie to each other and do all the other awful things that go on in this fucked up gene pool! I don't care about this family! I don't want to be part of it anymore!"

[Madeline Speare]

I stop, it felt as if I had been slapped in the face.
"No, no, no you cannot mean that," I say, shaking my head back and forth,"You cannot mean that!"

[Nathan Dawson]

"I mean it! I don't want to be part of this anymore! Take the fucking Speare name; take the fucking Dawson name as well for all I care! I don't give a shit anymore!" He yelled, turning to leave and stumbling sideways against the wall.
He'd quite forgotten for a moment, quite how intoxicated he was, but now he remembered as his head span with the simple effort of trying to stand straight again. When he couldn't manage it he yelled in frustration, hitting out at the wall and then sliding down against it with his head in his hands, crying bitterly into his palms.

[Madeline Speare]

"Nathan," I mutter, moving forward putting my hands on his shoulder,"No, no. you don't mean..you can't.."

[Nathan Dawson]

He stayed still a moment, when he felt her hands on his shoulder. He felt like his whole body was heaving, but this was probably because he was just struggling to draw breath.
He knew he had to calm down or risk having some sort of attack, but he couldn't quite bring himself too. His breath rattled painfully in his lungs, and he knew it was pointless to even try and move before he was calmer, but he couldn't see being calm anywhere in the near future.

[Madeline Speare]

You did this, it's because of you he's like this, it's all your fault this family's so fucked up.
"Nathan,"I whisper softly,"I'm sorry,"