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Post by Arden Patricks on Dec 1, 2007 19:21:49 GMT
"I know that," I mutter into my knees. "But it should."
"Fate has a funny way of picking off the decent of us first," Ian's voice says in my head.
"Karma fucking sucks," I mutter bitterly.
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Post by Logan Andrews on Dec 1, 2007 19:35:11 GMT
"You can't change how things are," I say hesitantly, not sure how to respond to her second comment.
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Post by Arden Patricks on Dec 1, 2007 19:48:10 GMT
"Not without a time-turner, maybe. Which probably don't exist anyway." I look at the floor. "This is all my fault," I say, knowing how ridiculously narcissistic and superstitious and childish it is but unable to help it. "If I'd been a better person then she wouldn't be dead now."
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Post by Logan Andrews on Dec 1, 2007 19:52:27 GMT
"That's bollocks, Arden," I crouch next to her, "This is not your fault, really."
It's mine and I'm sorry. I'm actually sorry, I swear.
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Post by Arden Patricks on Dec 1, 2007 20:02:31 GMT
"I know...." I say with a sad sort of laugh. "But at the same time it is, it has to be."
If I'd killed you... or maybe hadn't tortured you, then maybe my karma would still be good enough that I wouldn't deserve this.
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Post by Logan Andrews on Dec 1, 2007 20:08:39 GMT
"It's not. It's my fault," I say, half flinching at what I'm saying, "My side's fault. Blame me and them and...just not yourself?"
Some half-hearted truth-but-not-the-whole-truth is going to make this better?
Shut up.
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Post by Arden Patricks on Dec 1, 2007 20:14:27 GMT
"But that's why it's my fault," I argue. "Because I didn't... didn't do enough, because I'm too much like you." Ordinarily I'd probably wince after saying something like this, but I really don't care at the moment.
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Post by Logan Andrews on Dec 1, 2007 20:18:24 GMT
"You are nothing like me," I insist, no longer caring that I'm insulting myself. The guilt is stuck in my chest, making it harder to breathe, to think, like it's constricting the oxygen to my brain so it's vitally important that I make her understand it's not her fault, "You are nothing like me, and the blame rests with me-my side and not you. This is not your fault."
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Post by Arden Patricks on Dec 1, 2007 20:25:20 GMT
"Fine." I shake my head, not wanting to argue anymore. "Fine."
And it's not your fault either, I think wearily, not bothering to examine if I really believe that or not, because I just can't possibly deal with losing both of my friends in different ways right now, and I have to pretend that it's the old Logan only, not the torturing, murdering, death eater one.
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Post by Logan Andrews on Dec 1, 2007 20:28:44 GMT
I drop my gaze to the floor for a moment, hating that I was feeling...something close to remorse.
"Just...you'll be okay," I say after a moment, "You'll be okay."
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Post by Arden Patricks on Dec 1, 2007 20:35:42 GMT
I nod again, thinking simultaneously, When? and I don't want to be.
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Post by Logan Andrews on Dec 2, 2007 17:24:55 GMT
I stay where I am a moment, crouched next to her, before standing again, biting my lip slightly. I couldn't remember feeling as lost as to what to do before now, as I did right now.
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Post by Arden Patricks on Dec 3, 2007 20:30:20 GMT
"I should go back down there," I say after a moment. "I... I just ran off, and... Chance... we have to stick together, you know? Not fair to leave him to tell Laken.... Pirate gang has to stick together."
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Post by Logan Andrews on Dec 4, 2007 20:43:47 GMT
I nod slightly, not sure if I was supposed to stop her from going or say something or hug her or any of those things that people usually do in these situations.
You're not one of those people,
Yeah, I know that.
"I...uh..." I clear my throat slightly, "Well, do what you have to, I suppose."
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Post by Arden Patricks on Dec 4, 2007 20:47:40 GMT
I nod, swallowing hard, and then manage what could almost be called a smile, looking up at him.
"I'm not sure I can really say thank you at the moment... not for that." I glance over my shoulder out the window. "But... but thank you anyway? I don't know."
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Post by Logan Andrews on Dec 4, 2007 20:53:37 GMT
"Thank you's overrated anyway, don't bother saying it," I shrug, "Just...be alright?"
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Post by Arden Patricks on Dec 4, 2007 21:48:10 GMT
I hesitate for a bit, then nod as I get to my feet and cross my arms. "If you say so," I say in almost a pleading way for some reason. Because I'm pretty sure you're back to being my closest friend.
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Post by Logan Andrews on Dec 5, 2007 20:53:03 GMT
"Yeah, I say so," I nod, "You'll...uh...you'll want to be okay again at some point, you will."
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Post by Arden Patricks on Dec 5, 2007 21:07:15 GMT
I nod, biting my lip for a moment before giving him a rather abrupt, brief hug and quickly trotting out the door before he can react to the strangeness of that. It's very possibly the first time I've ever hugged him, one of the few times I've ever hugged anyone, and I'm not really sure why I did it.
That was very, very odd of you, Arden. my head tells me, adding a layer of confusion to the pain that won't go away. You are not a huggy person, normally.
I shrug, crossing my arms as I make my way down the stairs, keeping my eyes on my feet.
Andra was though, and it's the kind of thing she'd do.
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Post by Logan Andrews on Dec 8, 2007 18:43:28 GMT
I immediately stiffen slightly as she hugs me, and then stare after her as she leaves like she's just grown another head.
I don't think I've ever been hugged before now, and it strikes me as very strange that I should be hugged by Arden.
And then a wave of guilt washes over me fiercely, as I consider the surrealism of being hugged by someone who's best friend I've just murdered.
I keep my eyes on her as she disappears through the door, still trying to work out what's just happened.
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