anyone but you (Logan)

[Arden Patricks]

I run up to the astronomy tower and ram into the wall, sobbing so hard I can barely see… although running into the wall was actually kind of on purpose.

”Huh! It’s Andra, silly!” she says, laughing lightly, indignantly amused as she grins at me in the Entrance Hall. ”Don’t tell me you for- Arden? You didn’t really forget about me, did you?” Her voice gets a little scared as she frowns at me in concern, leaning in close and, inanely, putting a hand on my forehead like I might have a fever.

I sink onto the ground and put my head in my hands, still crying uncontrollably.

”Oh, you’re such an idiot. You can stay with me! Then we’ll both be aurors and live happily – what? No, of course I don’t know where I’m going to stay. Neither do you. That’s why it’s so obvious that you can stay with me!” She grins brightly at this 'obvious' solution, cheering me out of my funk so that I throw a package of chocolate at her.

I laugh a little through my sobs, though in a very miserable way.
Not Andra… nonononono… just anyone but Andra.
I look up then and out the tower window, into the calming darkness, and suddenly want more than anything to be out there in the dark, in the cold... where it's safe from any pain. I crawl over and onto the windowsill, still crying uncontrollably, and lean out far enough to make my heart jump automatically in fear - not that I'm paying much attention to little things like that.
So you going to do it this time? You’ve got very little left.
I shake my head slowly, in uncertainty rather than denial. Maybe yes and maybe no....
I just need to calm down and then I'll do it. Weigh the pros and cons.... says a small part of my mind while I'm still busy crying. I press my face against the cold, rough stone of the tower, and look down to the point where the grounds are nothing but blackness. Every few seconds, my mind is stabbed painfully by a sharp and clear reminder of exactly why I'm up here, and I close my eyes miserably as if it might possibly help.
Maybe yes and maybe no. But yes would feel better.

[Logan Andrews]

I trail my hand over the freezing stone as I make my way up the steps to the astronomy tower. The spiralling is making me feel mildly nauseous yet satisfying my need to be on the move at the same time and my hand is starting to feel like the stone is rubbing off the calluses and hard skin of my palm and making it smooth.
I felt restless. Strangely so. Not the usual sort of restless which could be quenched with a murder or a torture or following some order or doing something that I would normally do.
The sort of restless that can't be dispelled so easily, or at all. Like something big is brewing on the horizon. Not that I could think for the life of me what it might be.
I shake my hand briefly as I reach the top of the stairs, trying to regain feeling in it, before pushing open the door with my shoulder and half stumbling unceremoniously into the tower room.

[Arden Patricks]

You're still here, says a voice in my head after a minute or two when I still haven't done anything but sob.
Just shut up and leave me alone! I will... I really will, I swear....
Then why haven't you? the first voice asks, just as I hear someone stumble into the room.
Oh, fuck. And I close my eyes tighter, shoulders slumping as I realize there's no way I'll be able to now. Unless maybe, by some miracle, they don't see me. And I try to keep as still as possible.

[Logan Andrews]

My eyes fall on the silhouette in the window, and I snort amusedly and shake my head, muttering, "Fuck headed suicidal teenagers."
My hand still hasn't quite regained feeling, so I shake it slightly again, despite the fact I'll probably end up with pins and needles if I keep doing it and then try and decide why I'm up here in the first place.

[Arden Patricks]

Oh, fuck, I think again, eyes snapping open as I recognize the voice. Go away, I don't want you to see this.... Go away.
I sob again dryly, not sure anymore exactly what I feel except that it is bad. And Andra is gone and I don't want Logan to feel anything like I do, though it's probably stupid to think he'd care that much.... Just go away, damn you. Go away and let me be.

[Logan Andrews]

"You...er...gonna jump?" I ask indifferently, taking a step forward and swinging my arms back and forth casually in an inane way.
I freeze as I get close enough to recognise who it is, but don't say anything more.

[Arden Patricks]

"If you go away and leave me alone," I say, closing my eyes again, voice too teary to sound quite like mine. A part of me recoils at the indifference in his voice, but the rest of me uses it as incentive.
You see? Nothing for you here. No one to miss you, not really. So as soon as he leaves, you jump. Got it?

[Logan Andrews]

I half raise my hand to touch her lightly, just to make sure she's really there because she sounds nothing like Arden at all, but then let it fall again.
"I...er...didn't realise it was you," I say lamely.

[Arden Patricks]

I shake my head, not really listening. "Just... go away, all right? Back to your fucking... fucking murdering...." I sob again dryly and then try and steady my voice, but wind up just shaking my head again.

[Logan Andrews]

"Arden..." I say carefully, trying to keep my voice steady despite the flare of indignant anger her comment had inspired, "I'm not going to go away so you can jump out of a fucking window."

[Arden Patricks]

Dammit.
"And why the fuck not?" I snap at him, turning my head to almost look at him but knowing better than to actually do it. "You wouldn't... you probably.... " You wouldn't save the person I'm up here for. You're probably buddies with whoever the fuck did it.
I shake my head. "Just go away, Logan. Please."

[Logan Andrews]

"Because you're my fucking friend," I snap back, the only one I've got.
"No, I'm not going away," I say adamantly, "Just...come away from there...and...I don't know but just come away from there. Please."

[Arden Patricks]

I close my eyes again and shake my head, more to let myself think than as an actual no.
Because you're his fucking friend, Arden. Good enough reason, right? You wouldn't do this to somebody else, right?
"I have other friends, you know," I say, slightly nonsensically, but wanting to explain why I'm here, as if maybe I can convince him to leave me alone if he knows my reasons. "Or I did. Have you ever heard of the Fosters? Alexandra Foster? Her family is wanted by... by your type of people," I say bitterly, crying again.

[Logan Andrews]

"No, I've never heard of the Fosters," I lie around the constricting lump of ice that's just settled in my chest.
Oh...fuck...
"Arden, just...please, come away from there."

[Arden Patricks]

I shake my head again. "She was the only person there for me, Logan. The one and only person i the world who seemed to know who I was and actually care. And because of people like you, she's dead now. So maybe you deserve to feel the way I do."
I lean out over the edge a little now, strangely pleased at the idea of making him hurt, showing him what sort of misery his side of this stupid war can cause. He deserves it, I think, closing my eyes again, starting to let go even though the sudden fear makes me want to suddenly turn around and get as far away from windows as possible.

[Logan Andrews]

I half lurch forward to grab her but steel myself and manage to rock back onto my heels, staying put.
"You won't do it," I say after a moment.

[Arden Patricks]

Maybe I will though, I think, cursing myself for not letting go yet. Maybe I will... so why the fuck haven't I?
"And what if I do?" I ask, half-knowing by now that I won't. That I really would have right then, but I hesitated too much and now the moment's gone and I'm stuck and I still want to but I can't and I don't know why. I sag back a little against the wall, crying harder than ever but pretty much silently.

[Logan Andrews]

"You won't, or you would have done it already," I say, forcing myself to stay where I am because if I did step forward I wouldn't know what to do or say anyway.

[Arden Patricks]

"Doesn't mean I don't still want to," I manage through the tears. But now I'm stuck, and you still deserve it, and now I am going to go numb and what the fuck kind of life is that? Just jump out the fucking window already.

[Logan Andrews]

"It'll pass. The feeling'll pass," I say, wishing I could have said it with more conviction, edging forward slightly and putting my hand very lightly on her shoulder, "Please, don't."

[Arden Patricks]

A very confusing tumble of thoughts and emotions run through my head, most of which aren't around long enough to record, but eventually I nod, unable to say anything. I turn a bit so that I'm facing the inside of the room instead of the darkness outside, and keep my head down, arms wrapped around my knees.
"I'm sorry," I say eventually, not sure what I'm apologizing for.

[Logan Andrews]

"You haven't got anything to be sorry for," I say, once again at loss for what on earth I'm supposed to do.

[Arden Patricks]

Yes, I do. I'm sorry that we didn't make Andra stay inside. And I'm sorry that I didn't jump out the damn window, and I'm sorry that I even considered hurting you, and I'm sorry that I changed my mind.
I shrug. "Never mind then, I'm sorry. I don't know."

[Logan Andrews]

I nod slightly, unable to shake the completely new feeling that I've done something very very very wrong. It's never felt like that, I'd never stopped to think about what happened to people after I'd done what...I did best. Never felt this wrong before.
"I...uh...do you need anything? Want to talk or...anything?"

[Arden Patricks]

I laugh a bit, moving farther away from the long drop down and hugging my knees even tighter.
"I don't know," I say honestly. "Maybe. I.... We... we never should have let her go. She was thinking too much... distracted. And we let her go walking at night. Knowing they were after her...." I shake my head. "How could we be so stupid, Logan? I mean, I know perfectly well that there are some of you around Hogwarts. We never should have let her go."

[Logan Andrews]

"It's not your fault," I say after a moment, "W-They...they would have found a way, even if you hadn't let her go...it's...not your fault."

[Arden Patricks]

"We didn't have to make it any easier for them," I say, shaking my head, forgetting for a moment that technically he's one of the 'they' I'm talking about.

[Logan Andrews]

"I suppose," I say, faltering before replying.

[Arden Patricks]

I nod, pretty much just automatically, and then find myself still talking without really meaning to.
"She's the pirate captain, you know that? It can't be her. I mean why not someone else? Why not me? I... I don't have a family or anything, and all my friends have other friends, better friends. Andra never... never hurt anybody, never did any of the awful things I have. Why the fuck can't it be me?"

[Logan Andrews]

"Because it doesn't work that way," I say, eyes darting to the floor, feeling worse and worse with every word.