Be okay.

[Madeline Speare]

I'd been at Mungo's for godknows how long now. I'd sent a owl to Arden, making sure Alex was okay, then sent another owl to Charlie telling him to go help.
I'd been pacing outside his ward for what seems like forever now. It wasn't that they wouldn't let me in, it was more of that I didn't want to go in.
You just don't want to see him die.
I shake my head, running a hand through my hair, I was a mess but at the moment I didn't care. Ian. I bite down on my bottom lip, glancing over at his ward. "Please be okay."

[Ian Hunt]

It takes me a moment to realise where I am when I come round and I have to blink a few times before the ward comes into focus.
My head is heavy and I can hardly make out my own thoughts. I make to sit up, using my arms to prop myself up then wince and have to bite down hard on my lip to keep from making any sound of pain as my wrists sting with pressure.
I immediately move my arms again, taking in the heavy amount of bandaging on them and then everything sinks back into place.
I'm not sure how I feel about the fact that I'm not dead. Sort of nothing at all.
So I just stay lying down with my eyes on the ceiling, waiting to decide how it is that I actually feel about failing suicide.

[Madeline Speare]

I bite down on my bottom lip, leaning against the outside wall of the ward.
Glancing down at my clothes I realize I'm still blood stained.
I sigh heavily, sinking down against the wall to even care anymore. It all kept replaying in my head though, finding him, clinging to him, crying, it all kept flying through my head.

[Ian Hunt]

I stay where I am for what seems like a long time, but I'm not sure quite how long it really is before I try to sit up again.
I manage it this time, dropping my eyes to my wrists and turning them over to pick idly at the bandages. I can see the very edge of one cut but nothing more. I wonder what it looks like underneath briefly.
I think about Maddie, how I'd never meant her to find me. If she hadn't though, I'd be dead right now. Not that it'd make a difference as I feel nothing either way. Then I think of Alex and how he was crying and how that's the last thing I remember, besides vague memories of people shouting which makes no sense as I don't remember anyone there besides Maddie.
I glance uninterestedly around the ward. Then a sudden wave of frustration hits me.
Can't even kill yourself right. You're pathetic.
But I know that this is stupid and I shouldn't have tried at all.

[Madeline Speare]

I drop my head onto my knees, feeling myself start to shake again.
He tried to kill himself.
I want nothing more then to be angry at him, but I can't seem to summon up any emotion other then sadness. I bite down hard on my bottom lip, a few tears rolling down my face. Please be okay. Shaking my head, I try to shake the memory from my head but it won't budge. As if it had been burned into my mind.I thought you loved me.

[Ian Hunt]

Now that I think about it, I can't even remember why I did it.
And I just feel angry at myself.
I can remember how it felt to be told that my dad had killed himself. I remember how useless I felt, that I wasn't a good enough reason for him to stay. And I hated him and I hated me and now I hate me even more because I nearly did that to someone else.
"Fuck," I whisper, and after this allows me some small portion of relief I repeat the word again louder, "Fuck!"

[Madeline Speare]

I nearly jump as I hear someone yell.
He's up. Go see him.
I stay where I was, slumped against the wall, covered in blood and tear stained. Go see him. Why should I?
So many emotions were running through my head, and I can't tell them apart. Rising to my feet, I keep my gaze on the wall opposite. Go see him.

[Ian Hunt]

I wince as my own voice echoes back to me around the empty room and cuts through my pounding head.
I sigh through my nose, frustrated once more.

[Madeline Speare]

I get up, half wanting to go and see him the other half wanting to walk away. I sigh, turning and heading down the hall. What the hell are you doing?! He's awake, you need to see him! Talk to him! Why should I? I don't care anymore.
Sighing heavily, I stop in the middle of the hall, I couldn't lie to myself. Not anymore, truning back around I head back to his ward, standing infront of his door, not opening it, just staring.

[Ian Hunt]

The lack of people is starting to unnerve me and I start to wonder if maybe I am actually dead and this is hell, which freaks me out somewhat so I sit up more, swinging my legs over the edge of the bed and perching on the very edge of the mattress as if looking more alert will somehow help me survive in the afterlife.
That's stupid. This is not hell.
Looks like St Mungo's.
Ah, could be hell then.

[Madeline Speare]

Go on. Open the door.
I don't want to.
Staring at it won't make it open Jane Marie.
Will so.
Your acting crazy. I bite down on my bottom lip again, wanting to turn around and walk away but I know that won't do anything. I'm too much of a coward to face my demons. How do you face your demons when your demons are your boyfriend?

[Ian Hunt]

I get to my feet cautiously after a moment or so, of still being on my own.
I'll just go to the door, open it, see people then go back again and feel nothing at all.
That's not a very good plan Ian.
Be quiet.
I reach the door, pulling it open then jumping as someone's standing right on the other side of it, "Holy sh-..." I cut myself off realising it's Maddie.
Now I wish that I could go back to feeling nothing at all.

[Madeline Speare]

I stop, my breath catching in my throat.
Talk about coming face to face with our demons.
I want to say something, I really do. Something, anything at all, but nothing comes to mind, so I just lower my head.

[Ian Hunt]

Out of instinct it seems, I drop my arms, moving them back against my body so they're harder to see. I know this'll acheive nothing as she's already seen them at their worst, but I have to do it anyway.
I want to run all of a sudden, I don't care which way, back into the ward so I can find somewhere to hide, or just past her and out into the corridor and then who knows where. Anywhere but here.

[Madeline Speare]

I force myself to look up at him, and the next thing I know I've taken a step back and away from him.
"I don't know you." I whisper, my voice cracking. It was still sore from the amount of time I'd spent crying.
Whiring around, I can feel myself start to run. I didn't know where I was going, I just knew I had to get away from him.

[Ian Hunt]

"Maddie!" I take a stumbling step out of the ward and after her as she starts to run, "Maddie, please!"

[Madeline Speare]

I don't care what he has so say, I was sick of the excuses.
He tried to kill himself!
I shake my head, tears blurring my visions.

[Ian Hunt]

"Maddie stop!" I shout after her, "Stop it! Please!"
I don't know why and I don't know what I'm going to say to her to explain when I can't even explain it to myself.

[Madeline Speare]

I stop, realizing I'd turn into an empty hall.
No way out.
"Shit," I mutter, turning around,"Don't you dare," I mumble, keeping my temper in check,"I don't care what you have to say.."

[Ian Hunt]

I watch her for a moment, trying to make up my mind, then decide that there's no point trying to explain myself to someone who won't listen and sigh softly through my nose, then turn to go back into the ward.

[Madeline Speare]

"Why?" I ask quietly, not sure why I was even asking."How.." I shake my head, angry tears brimming in my eyes."I thought.."
Your not making sense Maddie.

[Ian Hunt]

"Huh?" I mumble, wrapping one hand around the bandages on the opposite wrist and rubbing it lightly, safe in the knowledge that I deserve the brief flare of half-hearted pain as the fibres brush on the cuts.

[Madeline Speare]

"Why would you do that to me?" I ask quietly, unable to take my eyes off his wrists,"I thought.."

[Ian Hunt]

"I wasn't thinking clearly," I mumble, droppingmy gaze as my eyes sting guiltily, "I just wanted out so badly, I didn't think about anything else."

[Madeline Speare]

"Not about me." I whisper,"Not about Alex." I jam my hands into my pocket,"Your nothing but a selfish bastard Ian Hunt." I stop, swallowing the lump in my throat."I don't want you near my son anymore."

[Ian Hunt]

"You can't do that," I say, and I wish my tone could have been sharper rather than how desperate it sounded.

[Madeline Speare]

"Actually I can," I mutter, taking my hands out of my pockets and unfolding a sheet of paper,"I'm taking custody of him," I say, trying to keep my voice from shaking."It's what's best.."

[Ian Hunt]

"No, you cannot do that," My voice is rising slightly and I can't see much hope of controlling it, "That's my son."

[Madeline Speare]

"A son you obiviously don't care about." I shoot back,"I can't keep doing this Ian, I can only take so much." I stop, pulling myself back together,"You've done enough to me, I'm not letting you put Alex through that."

[Ian Hunt]

"Oh? I've done enough to you? Well I'm sorry I'm a fuck-up," I snap, "I'm sorry that my head is a fucked up place to be and that sometimes I can't control myself. But you can't-...you can't fucking do that!"