Hypocrisy (Maddie)

[Ian Hunt]

I sit in a chair outside the ward. I keep my eyes closed and my head leant back against the wall and pretend I'm not here and everything goes away again and it's easy.
It's easy.
Just keep telling yourself that.
I think I've recovered from the urge to talk back now, because although it's still strong, I manage to resist.
They've taken Alex away from me. I don't know where he is. They said a healer needed to see him and they said I needed to calm down. The intensity of hatred for healers that I have has doubled in the last few hours.
I know Maddie's somewhere in the ward behind me. They won't let me see her either. While she's resting.
I don't think I want to see her because I can't risk it without losing control. There is something very wrong with the way I'm feeling towards her right now; resentful and angry and I know that it's very hypocritical to feel that way.
I hate the thought of her cutting. It's something that doesn't gel in my mind. It's all well and good (or not quite) for someone who's done it for years and knows it well...who needs it. But she needs to stop before she gets to that point. I'll make her stop before she gets to that point, even if it is the height of hypocrisy.
I wish I felt sad, worried. But I can't. I just feel bitter and angry. I hate that she's done this. I hate that I can't see her. I hate that Alex has been taken away from me and I don't know where he is. I hate that I don't know where I should be. And I hate that I've already made the conscious decision to leave her here.
About an hour ago, I told her cousins. They said they'd be here soon. I guess it must take a while to assemble a visiting party with so many people. But they should be here very soon.
This is another way of saying that I'll be leaving very soon. I can't stay while they're here. So I have an excuse to get out of here. I can't handle this place and I can't handle this situation.
I close my eyes tighter. I want to remember how I feel about her. I want to remember that I love her more than anything, anyone. But it's all tainted with the anger I can't shift.
But it's there, I know it's there. I love her. I just need to keep reminding myself that.

[Madeline Speare]

I hear the faint patter of people moving around. I open my eyes slowly, but shut them tightly as my eyes aren't use to the light yet.
Hearing a murmur of people hovering over me, I groan trying to sit up, but force myself back down due to the sharp pain all over my body. It takes me a moment to realize where I am, the next thing I know I'm on my feet, trying to pull all the cords and everything off.
"I'm not staying here.." I start then I'm cut off by a fit of coughing. It's still hard to breathe, and suddenly I'm very cold.
I don't need to be told twice to lay down. Curling up in the blankets, I try to remember what happened. The sharp pain in my arm reminds me.
I'm overcome with guilt and anger. How could I do that?
You weren't thinking straight.
That's a lie, I knew what I was doing. I had the glass in my hand I could have dropped it and gone to see Alex.
Alex.
I jerk back awake, ignoring the pain in my arms."Where is he?"

[Ian Hunt]

I move my head forward after a moment, glancing up and down the corridor aimlessly.
She'll be coming round anytime now, and I want to be able to leave.
I don't know what the hell is wrong with me. I'm eighteen years old and I have a son and I'm getting married and I've been through and been effected by far too many deaths and suicide attempts in my life when really I'm barely even an adult. This realisation struck me a few hours ago and it's been making me feel a mixture of depressed and angry since then.
I need to go and walk or cut or anything...I just need to get out of this place before it suffocates me.
I hope her family gets here soon so I can slip away without ending up staying.

[Madeline Speare]

I don't expect to be let out of this place any time soon so I just curl deeper into the bed.

Second suicide attempt MJ, you'll be under lock and key now.

It takes me a moment to realize where I actually am again. Most of the hospital rooms looked the same, I knew that for a face but this one..this one was different.
I throw the covers off, despite the fact I start shivering as soon as I do so.
The room number catches my eye and I feel the color drain from my face.
"Not here." I mutter, getting up off the bed, and heading to the door, despite the healer's protest.
"Get off..get off..I"m not..not here.." I struggle to push them off as my eyes start to burn.
Room number 23. This was it.
I keep trying to get out but they won't let me."Get off!" I yell, angry tears blurring my vision. "I am not staying here!"
Not in this room.
I knew this room all too well.
This is where my mum died.

[Ian Hunt]

I lean my head back against the wall, closing my eyes again and going over my new epiphany because it's something to think about that isn't my sudden lack of feeling toward my family or the inexplicable anger and resentment that won't go away.
But then open one eye as I hear the sound of a struggle in the room behind me.
I wish I cared, I really wish I cared.
But I don't. Not enough to go and see her. She probably doesn't even want to see me just as much as I don't want to see her.
I'll stay here.

[Madeline Speare]

"Get off!" I can feel my eyes burn as tears start rolling down my face.
Walking in on my mum's body keeps flashing in my head and I start crying harder.
That was the last thing I wanted to do right now. I wanted to stop crying. I wanted to get out of here. I wanted my son. I wanted it all to stop.
"Miss Speare your going to have to settle down."
I ingore everyone in the room, but wince in pain as one of the cuts on my arms reopen.
I wanted out. I wanted it all to stop.

[Ian Hunt]

I try and drown the sound out, but I can't. Hearing her voice aches and I want her to stop talking.
I force my palm hard against my cheek as a tear rolls down it.
You're pathetic. You cry once...just once and now you can't seem to stop.
I think it's more from frustration. I hope it's more from frustration.

[Madeline Speare]

I psuh everyone off, and sink to the floor, wrapping my arms around myself and I feel my arm start bleeding again.
Her body flashes in my head and I start crying hard, putting my head in my hands as if that'll stop it.
There's a murmur among the healers as no one tries to move me.
I don't want to be here.
I now understand why Ian hates this place.

[Ian Hunt]

I clench my fists so tightly that my nails puncture the skin of my palms as I hear her cry.
I want it to hurt to hear her cry, like it used to. But I feel nothing.
Apart from the shallow cuts on my palms, "Son of a bitch..." I murmur, smearing the blood away by wiping my hands on my jeans.
I'm really starting to panic now. I should care that she's in there, crying after a suicide attempt. I should care that Alex is...somewhere. So why can't I?

[Madeline Speare]

I try and get a grip on myself but I can't and I keep crying.
There's a moment when I feel a cold hand on my forehead and another murmur as I'm moved back onto the bed.
I feel increasingly like a child and that reminds me even more of my own mother. Thinking about my mum makes me think about Alex, and about how I failed him.
It's just..I feel like I'm not allowed to fall apart sometimes.
My conversation with Arden wanders into my head and I feel my eyes shut tightly.
Then what's happening to you right now?

[Ian Hunt]

"What am I even doing here?" I mumble under my breath, still desperately trying to block out the noise from the room behind me and the feeling of emptiness that I swear is spreading.
This question seems justified as I don't know what the hell I'm doing here. I'm certainly not doing any good if I'm too worried about what I might feel if I go and see her.

[Madeline Speare]

I can hear my own voice in my head repeating over and over.
It just feels like..I don't know..I'm put up on this pedestal. Everyone thinks of me as this great person, who's always happy and optimistic, who's always there when you need her..
That's a lie. That's a godforsaken lie.
I want nothing more then everyone to stop talking, for it to be over, I want the hurt to stop.
At this thought I can feel my left arm start to burn.
It'll never stop. Not as long as He's still around.

[Ian Hunt]

I sigh heavily, forcing myself to my feet and to the door.
My hand lingers on the handle for a moment, but my nerve fails me almost immediately and I drop my hand again, shoving it back into my pocket and wandering absently away from the door a few paces as if I'm nothing to do with the room.
You're pathetic.

[Madeline Speare]

"It's like I'm not allowed to fall apart." I whisper softly, wrapping a bandage back around my arm to stop the bleeding."I'm not allowed."

[Ian Hunt]

I glance up and down the corridor briefly, mentally forcing myself to the decision that if none of her family have shown up in the next minute then I'll have to go in.
I silently pray to anything that's listening for deliverance.

[Madeline Speare]

I rise onto my feet, steadying myself as I walk over to the door.
I don't want to be here. I'd would rather be anywhere but here.
I don't glance back at the bed as I pull open the door, fearing I'd see my mum's body but the sight on the otherside is worse.
"..Ian.."

[Ian Hunt]

I flinch.
Of course, I should have known that years of ignoring whatever could be listening means that when you pray for something it doesn't happen.
"Yeah," I say after a moment with nothing else coming to mind.

[Madeline Speare]

Instantly feeling like a five year old that's been caught writing on the walls in marker, I lower my gaze, taking a step back.
Now you get to see things from his view.
Shut up.

[Ian Hunt]

I drop my gaze at the same time as she does, unable to look at her.
"I-I contacted your family," I say this as if it's an explanation that I'm going to have to leave soon.

[Madeline Speare]

I nod weakly, wrapping my arms around myself.
I force myself to look back up at him."Alex?"

[Ian Hunt]

"Some healers took him," I mutter, ramming my hands in my pockets and keeping my eyes determinedly on the floor.

[Madeline Speare]

"You don't know where he is?" I ask, my voice sounding so much like a three year old it scares me.

[Ian Hunt]

"They wouldn't tell me," I admit bitterly after a moment, "Until I'd calmed down."

[Madeline Speare]

"Did you calm down? Do you know where he is? Is he okay?"

[Ian Hunt]

"No, I didn't. So no, I don't know."

[Madeline Speare]

I bite down on my bottom lip,"Where's a Healer?" I mutter, stepping past him, one hand on the wall, looking around.

[Ian Hunt]

"I don't know," I say through gritted teeth.

[Madeline Speare]

I sigh running a hand through my hair,"Fuck," I mutter.

[Ian Hunt]

"You should be resting," I tell her.

[Madeline Speare]

"I'm fine," I mutter.