Thoughts{Arden}

[Riley Pearson]

I sat out by the willow, in the freezing wind, sitting on the ground watching it swing it's branches around. The last time I was here I was with Riyann, it was Christmas. I was happy.
All the snow had melted, and I started to play with some grass next to me, trying desperately not to think about anything that made me think of her, but finding it immpossble. I didn't know why I kept going places that reminded me of her. All it did was make me even more upset. But here I was. I almost prefered that it was so cold out, barely able to feel my hands much anymore, it sort of taking the other nagging pain away from me. I thought about Riyann and a tear ran down my cheek as I stared off at the tree, not bothering to wipe it away, trying to imagine Riyann was there with me.

[Arden Patricks]

I decide as soon as I leave the castle that it was probably a mistake to do so, with the wind as biting as it is and my absentmindedness causing me to forget to wear anything more than a sweater. But the thought of giving up and turning around makes me feel strangely despairing, so I continue on my walk regardless. It’s a definite surprise to see somebody else out here, staring at the willow, and I frown in concerned puzzlement as I make my way over. Or at least it’s a pretty good show of concern and puzzlement, layered on top of the dull, tired numbness.
The closer I get the more I question whether I want to be doing so, everything in me rebelling at the thought of actually talking to someone… but the normal me would do it, and I have to keep up the pretence even with no one there to see it.

[Riley Pearson]

I took my eyes off the willow and looked down at the ground, rubbing my eyes slightly as I sat there. I thought I heard someone walking toward me, but brushed it off as the wind, thinking I was still alone.

[Arden Patricks]

I suck in a breath when I finally get close enough to realize who it is I'm walking toward, feeling a sudden and inexplicable surge of sadness that actually brings tears to my eyes. I don’t know what to say when I get close enough, and I don’t think he’s seen me since I came from the side, so instead I just hesitantly put a hand on his shoulder, and sit down a few feet away, waiting anxiously to see if he wants to be alone or to talk or whatever.

[Riley Pearson]

I feel a hand on my shoulder and turn around slightly to see Arden sitting down a few feet away. I wipe the tears off my face and swallow slightly before talking. "Hey.." I say kind of quietly, in a sad tone, that never really seemed to leave my voice lately.

[Arden Patricks]

"Hey," I say quietly back, feeling like my heart is breaking again as I see how awful he looks. Tears prick at my eyes again but I blink them away, not saying anything else.

[Riley Pearson]

"... I, I guess you heard.." I say in the same quiet voice looking away, at toward the ground, feeling a slightly large knot in form in my throat as I thought about it, couple more tears falling out of my eyes before brushing them away.

[Arden Patricks]

I nod mutely, eyes brimming with tears yet again but still not enough to really be called crying, and not enough to get rid of the lump in my throat. I can't really tell if I'm upset because Riyann is gone or because Riley is hurt, but either way it feels awful.
"How are you holding up?" I ask quietly.

[Riley Pearson]

I shrugged and let out a small shaky breath, shaking my head slightly, feeling if I talked I might start crying again and really not sure of what to say. Sure, it was fine to say I was doing horrible, but it wasn't so fine to tell someone that they'd rather be dead than go through this. "Not too good" I say silently after a few seconds, starting to trace circles on my knees, fidgeting slightly.

[Arden Patricks]

I nod, watching him carefully. Sounds like an understatement.

[Riley Pearson]

I shrugged faintly and kept looking down, not wanting to look up at her, feeling like she'd be able to tell that what I had told her was kind of a lie. I really wasn't okay. I wiped a couple more tears away, feeling bad for being like this around her.

[Arden Patricks]

"Is... there anything I can do?" I ask, still quietly, after a moment - guessing the answer is no but needing to make the offer anyway.

[Riley Pearson]

".. No," I say shaking my head slightly, a few seconds after she asked. ".. I just feel like my life's being torn apart... Riyann's.. gone. I-I mean, her ghost is still here, but that just seems to be making it worse..." I tell her sadly and kind of slowly a few moments later, feeling horrible that I even said that and then regretting it. "... I don't know... it's better than nothing I guess..." I shrugged, realizing that was the most I've talked at once, when I wasn't yelling, in the past few days.

[Arden Patricks]

I look down at my hands, thinking Just enough to tantalize you. It's sort of a strange thought in this context, but I think I know what I mean by it. Sure, it's better than nothing in a way... but at the same time it's nowhere near enough.
"I'm sorry," I say softly, looking up at him. There doesn't seem to be anything else that I can say.

[Riley Pearson]

"Thanks..." I say quietly, folding my arms on top of my knees and resting my head on them. "... Sorry I'm.. like this." I tell her, not liking being depressed around people, wondering if I should tell her exactly how I was feeling right now. After a few seconds I decided against it, not wanting to worry her.

[Arden Patricks]

I shake my head. "Hardly something that you have to apologize for," I say, biting my lip as I look at him worriedly.

[Riley Pearson]

I glance up at her and see she's giving me a worried look. "... I don't want to live like this..." I said silently, wondering if she would understand what I meant.

[Arden Patricks]

I nod. Of course you don't. And then I wonder, briefly, if I should be more worried... if he means that he really doesn't want to live like this, and therefore not at all.

[Riley Pearson]

I don't want to live at all... I think to myself, instead of saying it outloud, then changing the subject after it was silent for a few moments. "... I'm getting married..." I say, wiping another tear off my face, knowing that Arden would probably be very confused by this statement, and that I should probably elaborate.

[Arden Patricks]

I frown slightly, confused, and a little bit bothered by the incorrect use of present tense versus past. I still don't say anything, however, not wanting it to be the wrong thing.

[Riley Pearson]

"In two weeks... it's arranged." I tell her so it'd be cleared up. ".. No one told me till last night.."

[Arden Patricks]

I stare at him in horror, knowing that must be a lovely dash of salt in the wound.
Well, that's excellent timing.
"Can't you get out of it?"

[Riley Pearson]

I shrugged slightly, my eyes showing more vacantness than they have in the time I was outside, "I hope.."

[Arden Patricks]

I nod, watching him carefully, and hesitating before I speak again.
"But not by doing anything stupid, right?" I ask, feeling horribly selfish for asking. In his position I would probably have already done something rather stupid.

[Riley Pearson]

"I guess it depends what you'd call stupid..." I say with a slight shrug, "I don't have anything planned yet..."

[Arden Patricks]

I nod slowly. "Will you tell me if you do? So... maybe I can help?" Or keep you from doing it, depending.

[Riley Pearson]

I paused for a moment and then nodded, "Yeah... I will.." I say with slight sigh, wishing none of this happend, that I wouldn't have to deal with it. Maybe..

[Arden Patricks]

I nod, only marginally reassured by that because no one keeps their word if doing so will interfere with what they need to do. "And I'll help anytime, you know that, right?" I ask, suddenly wanting to give him a hug, of all things.

[Riley Pearson]

I nodded my head faintly, "Thanks Arden" I say trying to give her a smile but only slightly suceeding. "I never understood why people never believed me when I said things would okay, and now I really do..." I add finally understanding how they felt.

[Arden Patricks]

I wince a bit at those words, hating to hear that he feels like that even though I would expect as much, and immediately wanting to assure him that it actually will be okay.
"It'll get better," I say instead, more truthfully.