Crying in the rain

[Joanna Miller]

I liked walking in the rain.
No one could see I was crying if I was walking in the rain.
Ever since I'd got that letter last night, with the worst news of my life in it, all I'd been able to do was stay away from everyone and cry.
I hadn't gone back to the dorm last night, just stayed in the owlery, re-reading the letter, and now I was out here, crying, walking in the rain.
Joanna Miller didn't cry.
That's why I liked the rain.
It let it look like I was still Joanna Miller, strong, loud, happy, Joanna Miller.
Joanna Miller didn't cry.
"Rain, rain, here again, soak my skin and heal my pain." I whisper.
I was strong, I was loud, I was happy, obnoxious, annoying Joanna Miller.
Joanna Miller didn't cry.
It just wasn't something I did.
Joanna Miller didn't cry.

[Molly Weasley]

after remus and i had settled our argument i saw jo walking in the rain. i had to go and explain why i had left practice so early.
"hey jo..." i say walking up to her. then i see her face. the same face i had earlier today.
"come on jo..." i say pulling her over to under a tree. me and her were a lot alike. we both insisted on being strong no matter how many hits our emotions took, then when we had to let them out they came out in large quanties. i knew what she was going trough.
"jo what's wrong?" i ask. "and don't lie to me. you know that i do the same thing, so tell me."

[Joanna Miller]

I shake my head bitterly, pulling a strong face and pretending the tears on my face were just rain drops.
I decide to ignore the question.
"So...why did you leave practice early?" I ask, my voice thick with tears.

[Molly Weasley]

ichuckle at how much we have in common. "changing the subject like you didn't even hear the question. nice. well we'll play it your way. i had a problem with remus. we had gotten into a fight and i was pretty pissed, we're ok now."

[Joanna Miller]

"That's-...that's good." I mumble, "Glad it's alright again now."
It wasn't going to be alright again for me.
Never again for me.

[Molly Weasley]

"jo, come on. i know that somehings wrong. your trying to do what i did. push people away and stay strong and make it through on your ow, but i'm not letting you push me away. i'm much more stobborn than you so i won't stop until you tell me what is wrong." i say going into my motherly tone without noticeing. i didn't mean to sound like a mother, it was just in my nature sometimes.

[Joanna Miller]

I throw myself down heavily on the ground and draw my knees up to my chest.
I didn't want to start crying again...
I wasn't going to start crying ag-...
Too late.
Before I knew it I was sobbing into my knees.
I didn't know how to say what I was feeling.
I was miserable, I was lonely, I was angry but I was ashamed too.
So ashamed I wanted to keep it all inside and never let anyone know because of the shame.

[Molly Weasley]

as jo falls to er knees and starts tot cry i knew that something was wrong. i kneel next to her and try to get her to calm down.
"jo, it can'te as bad as you think. just tell me and i can help. come on girl, it'll be ok." i say rubbing her back.

[Joanna Miller]

"Molly, I can't." I whisper. "I'm so ashamed. It's-...it's so-...How could he?" I mutter the last sentence more to myself than to her.
I had no idea how to put this into words, where to start, everything was so mixed up.
"How could I used to see the bright side of life and why can't I see it anymore?" I ask desperately. "It's not fair."

[Molly Weasley]

"jo i felt the same way before. remember when my brothers died. i hated everyone and everything. come on give me a straight answer. i want to help you." i say softly, but loud enough to be heard over the rain. i would have said that we should go in but we were both in love with the rain.

[Joanna Miller]

"I don't care." I moan softly to myself as if I told myself enough times that it wasn't getting to me then it wouldn't. "I don't care about all this at all. I don't care about him. I don't about my stupid family. I don't care. I don't care."
Blood was roaring in my ears, my heart was beating in my throat and my eyes were burning with tears, I could barely hear Molly anymore let alone absorb a word she was saying.
All I could hear was my own muttering to myself and the voice in the back of my mind that was disagreeing with everything I was saying, 'You do care. You do care about all this. You do care about him. You do care about your family. You do care. You do care. You do care.'
I didn't know if anyone was listening to me anymore, everything was going blurry, I was so confused inside I could hardly think.
"My brother." I manage to croak softly to Molly, if she was even still there, if anyone was even listening.
Then I shake my head again.

[Molly Weasley]

"waht about your brother?" i ask putting my arm around her trying to get her calm. i could tell she was loseing it, and i hated to see her like this. "what heppened with your brother?"

[Joanna Miller]

I bury my head in Molly's shoulder, glad someone was there.
I didn't want to be alone when I completely lost it which could be seconds away.
I'd never had less control before.
My emotions were running out of control, I'd never been closer to going genuinely mad.
I could hardly cope.
I'd never had to cope with anything like this before.
"He-...He-..." I cry, my words were in such a hurry to leave my mouth now I couldn't say anything at all. "Molly, never let me, ever, never let me...death eaters..." I shudder shaking my head. "Death eaters."

[Molly Weasley]

"jo, did death eaters hurt your brother?" i say but see thats she going to lose it any second now. "just let it out or your busrt from the inside out." i say rubbing her back.

[Joanna Miller]

"Yeah." I laugh hysterically. "Death eaters hurt my brother. He deserved it. He deserved everything he got. I hate him. I hate him. I hate him!"

[Molly Weasley]

"jo, you don't mean that. death eaters killed my brothers to. jo you don't mean that." i say. what did he do to her?

[Joanna Miller]

"You don't know Molly. You don't know what he did." I shake my head bitterly, leaning my head back to look up at the sky.

[Molly Weasley]

"then make me know. make me understand." i sigh.

[Joanna Miller]

I don't take my eyes of the sky and the don't turn my face away from the steady beat of the raindrops on my pale face.
"My parents, Molly. You know they've been-...they've been dead for a long time now." I hiccup through my tears. "The death eaters...death eaters got them."